I miss him

(I’m getting pain waves just writing the title) 

THEE one. My first actual love, the one ive written on here about back when i was all heartbroken. Here I am, 2 years later writing about him still. 

I doubt he’d read this so I’m posting my feelings here. I don’t think he ever had access to my MySpace; I don’t think he ever really cared to tbh. 

I think I need closure. I think I need him here. I just always wanted to fall asleep wrapped around his arms. Instead, he treated me like I was just his fuckin Joi in his phone for him to play with whenever he felt like it. I put up with it way longer than I needed to. And yet he still had the audacity to cry over the phone when I broke up with him.

I wonder how things would’ve been if he just appreciated me. If he just noticed me again. If he just showed up for me. He’s a fuckin coward though, 23 years old and he couldn’t show up for me. 

Even if he did try to come back, I recognize it would never work considering I have too much self respect to let me experience that ever again. bc god knows I deserve better than whatever the fuck I’ve been experiencing lately, fuck you Sam. Stop cyber stalking me.

Still though, from how abrupt I ended things, I’m still wondering how it’d feel, just for a moment, to have him back again. 

To have him here with me, face-to-face.

To experience what I thought I could never experience.

Maybe have it be “just another Thursday”.

Reality is, I knew I deserved better so I left him. Blocked his number and never attempted to reach out again. And he hasn’t reached out either, so I assume he didn’t care and moved on. He most likely moved on way before I ever had the courage to break up with him anyways. Fuck, idk.

I don’t think I ever ment anything to him. So then why do I miss him…? It’s like every time I think of him (which is a lot recently) I experience melancholy with much added limerence. God, I need to grow up. I’ve accepted what has happened happened but, for some reason, that doesn’t stop me from wanting more. From wishing I had more. I hope the next one can fuck this outta me

(this blog isn’t my strongest writing, but considering he’s been on my mind recently, it’s the best I’ve got)