Nusquam ire

This evening I decided to take a walk, no one was home, no one answered my texts or calls, and I was feeling extremely lonely—so it was sort of a last minute decision.

I got dressed, left the house and just started walking where my body oriented me, I must have walked for about an hour and a half from and back to the house, I live in an isolated zone in my town—I walked a long road where few cars pass by, full of ups and downs and curving to the sides all the time, reached the cemetery, went down another narrow road, walked a bit more. I came at a stop near the park, I could either go two different ways, to right I could either go on the sidewalk next to the road down or go inside the park itself and both would lead me exactly the same place; to the left a path full of stone steps fenced next to the abandoned pool that belonged to the park—I used to frequent this pool as a kid, and through the years it was abandoned, started getting reworked about twice before being abandoned for good—this path however gave me a shorter route towards downtown, so I went that way.

After crossing paths with someone I recognized and continuing ahead, I passed to the other side of the road, turned right then right again downward to the main road, on the way down I thought I recognized an aunt of mine, whether it was really her or not I certainly brought attention to myself because I kept looking to make sure my eyes didn't deceive me. After I reached downtown, I realized I wasn't feeling much better at all—I went inside a tobacco store and bought a pack of cigarettes, as I had recently started smoking—I turned around and started making my way back up the main road. Due to my paranoia going down, thinking I recognized an aunt of mine, I decided to go through another road, I went up a few mirrored steps and was all the way at the top and made the same journey backwards: I crossed the road, I made my way up the stone path of steps, kept walking up, I passed by the cemetery, I walked the long road that goes up and down and curves everywhere and I finally got home. I went up the stairs of the house into my office, made myself comfortable and took a smoke: I didn't feel any better.

I don't feel any better.

I'm not okay.