ode to self sabotage

dear diary

i am going through a lot. and by that i mean absolutely nothing worth complaining about.

it is day 1000000000 of being kind of a useless member of society. i don't want to work, or go to school, or do much of anything. i am 22 in um.. let me see. 2 weeks! 22 years on this earth. not really doing much of anything. there is really so much i could be doing. i could go to the park. or go and buy bread in the bakery. or tend to my responsibilities. i do none of these. is this depression? it doesn't feel like any depression i've had before. also i'm on antidepressants. i'm in therapy. whats with it all?

everybody is in their own little world. what do i want? what do i need? i am tired of saying i don't know. but i don't. i am tired and i have no reason to be. but i still feel it.

people are removing me from their lives left and right. i notice it. i really do. it gives me a sick feeling in the center of my body. i don't confront it but i write about it. perhaps it would make things less complicated. thats my logic. it often is wrong. i understand and i don't. its all so delicate. but know that i notice.

re: my dreams

i'm in weird states of consciousness when i wake up. i woke up to my neighbors blaring music. and i can't tell if it was real or not. because later i woke up and everything was silent. 

what am i crawling towards? i am just so stagnant. i am so so so so so tired. i am so overjoyed. i am still grieving. everybody. i am just feeling and feeling and feeling and yet. it feels like i am running out of options.