Family

I know that no one in my family cares about me. They only care about what or how I look, it's okay, I hate them too. 

I know they can't say that they hate or don't like me, but I know that. It doesn't hurt me since I've been always thinking about it for years ever since I was a child, I've done many embarrassing stuff, I know I was still a child back then, but it seems like they still see me as an embarrassment. My other cousins are like that, but somehow they only know mine (I can feel it). 

I don't bond with my cousins, in my dad's side, I know that my cousins have their own groups. I don't have one, I'm alone. I doubt that anyone cares anyway, I just hate how the adults tell me to "bond with my cousins" I can't. No one accepts me, being myself or act like someone else doesn't help. My older cousins don't like me, I don't blame them, I probably did something that made them think I'm annoying, obnoxious, loud, stupid etc. I really want to bond with my older cousins, but they don't really like me and all of my relatives prefer my brother over me. It's okay, I'll die soon. My mom's side, I love them all, I love my tita's, tito and my lola, I love my cousins there, I'm not close with them but they do care about me. I hope they won't be mad about my suicide soon. 

My house, it's a prision. I don't bond with anyone, fights and loud noises happen, complaints, hurting each other, beated up for just talking or just then hearing something they don't like, I once talked about my problems with myself and others and my depressive thoughts, they told me I'm "normal" and that I'm overreacting and that depression doesn't exist, it's funny. They don't want to admit they took part in making me like this. Do you both regret in making me this way? It's your fault. I've been thinking about suicide ever since I was 10, I drew something related to suicide when I was 8, you both don't care about me, you both don't care about my feelings, what I feel inside, what I am really like, fuck you both. You failed as being my parents. 

I'm jealous of my cousin taking medication for her depression, she probably goes to therapy. She has suicidal thoughts and exprsses it to everyone, that's why she goes to therapy. I'd do that too but not with my relatives, I want to keep my profile low, low as a ghost to the point all of my relatives forget my name and purpose, I always express my depression and suicidal thoughts to my friends, joking about it, they all bond with me and are my real secondary family, if I express those thoughts and emotions to my family, I know they will say "your over exaggerating" "we don't care" "suck it up" "your thoughts are disgusting" "your problems and 'depression' doesn't exist", I know. I don't need anyone's comfort in this family, fuck you (to my fathers side, my mother's side are fine.) , heck, I have been depressed ever since I was young and no one even cared, always thinking about my death and suicide, would wish my death in every birthday I have. This is so unfair, why can she heal while I can't? 

Why does everyone in my family hate me in the first place? Why doesn't anyone save me from myself? 

It's okay, I don't need this family, once I graduate and get a job, I'm leaving, I'll just send money to my parents every month and wouldn't attend family gatherings, I don't care about them. That future depends if I still want to live (I already don't, I just need my breaking point) 

Fuck you (dad's side) 

Don't be sad when I'm gone, I care for you guys (moms side)