Entry #3

I'd like to start this by saying: Hello everyone, sorry I've been absent.

My last entry was made over 11 months ago, and even though a lot has changed since then, my mental state remains similar, if not worse compared to the last entry.

Besides the summer job that I repeated for the third summer in a row I have not been able to work anywhere else, I have been sending out résumes to different places, at times more than once to the same places, and yet have not gotten a single call, text, or e-mail—part of me begins to believe it is also partially my fault, maybe I should update my résume to look more professional, a new photo would do good, updated info could do a big stretch of help, but in all honesty, I should actually print out physical résumes and walk, deliver to some places physically and ask if they have any job positions open.

I have an "ick" when it comes to certain jobs, anything related to food makes my skin crawl, not necessarily because I'm not a good cook—I'm not—but more because it tends to get messier when it comes to customer service, people get really angry from what I gather. Anything that involves people freaks me out a little sometimes, I'm not sure why but it gives me this large chest pain.

In a perfect world, I would work on something related to what I studied—image editing, video, animation, sounds, and everything about magic and graphics—but we don't live in a perfect world.

As I was writing this I was interrupted and forced to finish this entry at a later time, I started writing at 11:11pm, paused at 11:38pm, and it is now 11:11am.

I have not been well for a long time, I have not been diagnosed with anything, I have not sought out to get diagnosed to find out, but it's been a really long number of years since I've started feeling this way, and it only seems to get worse.

Lately, I wake up, feel like shit all day, try to stay awake as long as possible until my body caves in and go to bed. All I seriously think about doing some days is swallowing all the pills I have to help me sleep at once, I don't know if it would do anything, one pill barely helps me, what would seven or ten do in terms of a difference good or bad?

Just the other day someone I care about struggled to keep their composure and yelled at me for the way I've been, saying that I don't care about anything anymore, including my own well-being, and I think they're right.

I hate myself.

- `Kazumi´