january 19. 2025

first post of the year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

im settling back into routine and not hating the holidays so much. going out or even just cooking for the month surrounding nye is so hard so i just fight for my life everyday.

i was bored n had extra cash and decided to break my no dating app rule and go onto bumble passport and try to find my friends (i failed... too many ppl) and started just going random places but i would get hundreds of likes a day and it was super overwhelming BUT when i decided to locally look i found someone i went to hs w (never knew them just saw in bio). 

we went on 2 dates n he came over last night for the night and thats not what i want to talk abt at all (it is going great!!) i dont wanna post much abt it rn.

i wanted to talk to my friends and tell them abt it and debrief with them but only one of them even cared to listen and acknowledge what i was saying and ask questions ect and i wont see her again for awhile bc of work schedules so i cant talk abt it for like 2 weeks. one of my friends listened but ive only seen him once since and he had been at work since like 6 and i didnt wna talk too much. another one of my friends zones out anytime i talk let alone abt this guy and my closest friend met him, had almost nothing to say, doesnt ask and then reacts negatively to something bc she wasnt paying attention bc of her problems.

i try not to talk abt my problems at ALL and usually just chat or talk surface level complaints w everyone so i get that they arent asking me abt problems too but it sucks that they very clearly do not even care what i have to say when its positive or negative.

i know so much that i am not the best friend bc this stuff is kinda new to me but i still try and i think people know i try. im terrible abt asking things out of the blue but i listen intently and the fact that the ppl who are meant to care for me the same will talk n talk and pay attention to my advice and the SECOND i wanna talk abt one thing i see their eyes glaze over and they slowly look away and just wait for me to shut up.

it sucks. no one ever cares abt me as much as i do for them.