summer and freshman

Recently I've been thinking a lot about 2021, especially the summer and fall when I started high-school.

Summer 2021 feels a bit like a fever dream and it's honestly hard for me to remember. I moved to the ranch in June and felt terribly misplaced and uprooted. But I was so used to being uprooted. Throughout my childhood, I lived in ten different houses. We moved every one to two years back then, because of our constantly changing financial situation, school switches, or moving closer to whatever job my mom had at the time. 

We had been living in a house in Bradbury Ranch, which was just 5 minutes away from my high-school and ten from my middle school. I liked that house, because it made me feel like I was actually a middle class teen who could fit in with the rich kids at my school. They had nicer houses of course, but this nice suburban abode we had was enough to make them think we were a normal family and not a terribly screwed up, dysfunctional, and unstable one. The house was on High Desert Road and we lived on a cul-de-sac. I recall my dad dropping me off on the driveway there briefly so I could retrieve something from the house, and I ran up the driveway that afternoon after school in a cut off Captain EO tee. My mom came running out of the house ready to beat the shit out of me for it and screaming the whole time before I got back into the car with my dad. I spent 5 out of my 6 middle school semesters there (the first semester of sixth grade we still lived in that shitty town-house in Greenwood Village near the reservoir, about 3 feet away from the always-bustling Parker Road. That's when we would get all of our food from the church's food bank. I hated that house). At a time in my life where I needed stability, I got the best of it I could for our always changing living situation. That was the house I became obsessed with the Beatles in. I remember in eighth grade pulling all-nighters nearly every night in that room, scrolling on colorful Tumblr and making posts about Smashing Pumpkins and Elijah Wood while always being wary of our mouse infestation. I suppose I'm doing the same thing nowadays. I remember that summer right before we moved, right after I graduated middle school, sitting in the loft looking out at the nice green yard and cul-de-sac and listening to Nirvana. All I really felt was hatred. I also recall the day we moved out of it. It was early June and it was painful going through all my middle-school things and odd pieces of my mother's decor. I was used to moving houses frequently, but this one felt different. I was really conscious for this one. I got so sick of putting things into boxes that I sat in the yard and reminisced about how much I'd miss feeling like a normal kid in a normal neighborhood. 

Now I was moving an hour away from my life, and the town I'd lived in for a huge chunk of my childhood. My dad still lived in the Pinery, but heaven knows I didn't want to live with him. I don't think I have the photos anymore, for whatever reason, but I had a dirty mirror in my room I was moving out of that was the only thing left, which I took selfies in and I think I remember crying. Moving had never been so hard, especially since now I was going to have to live with my irritating step-dad and live in the scary basement. That day I put all my favorite things in a tote bag that had my mom's name embroidered on it and loaded up in the truck. A couple days later I found out that someone had thrown away the tote and everything in it. It had my LOTR books, earbuds, another book, and a couple pieces of memorabilia from middle school. Four years later, no one has 'fessed up to trashing it, but I believe it was my step-dad. 

Around two days after moving, my mom decided we were going to go on a road-trip to Arizona in a rented RV. So we all piled in and I probably only packed two shirts or something. We drove through New Mexico (not before stopping at the Breaking Bad museum) and saw lots of desert, and all the while I sat in the uncomfortable table seat which only had half a seatbelt. I had to keep myself from flying off of it at times. I became well-versed in the Smashing Pumpkins and Mac DeMarco on that trip. They were practically the only thing I listened to. We slept in the Walmart parking lot for a couple of nights in Tucson. When we reached Winslow we stood on a corner, and it was such a fine sight to see (there was not a girl in a flatbed Ford slowing down to take a look at us unfortunately). We visited my mom's childhood home and school, and then ate at this Mexican place where I got a taco salad. It made me sick and I threw up in the restroom of the place. A couple of nights we parked the RV in a campsite, and that was nice. I'd never seen Arizona sunsets, with the orange and pink sky and the silhouettes of Saguaros against it. In classic teen style, I sat and looked at this sunset while playing MarioKart 8 on my Nintendo. RIP to that Switch and to all my beloved Pokemon and Animal Crossing villagers. The next couple days we visited a cave someplace, climbed a volcano Frodo and Sam style, then hiked the Grand Canyon. Definitely the worst hike I've ever done. It was hot as hell, we didn't pack enough water, and I was completely out of shape since I hadn't hiked in probably a year. A couple of folks got lifted off in helicopters. It was not an enjoyable hike. There's a photo of me and my brothers there, and I don't look happy. The drive back I don't quite remember.

After that trip is when I really started living at the Ranch. I was forced to live in the basement until my step-brother moved out (and I am now writing this from his old room). The basement was terribly dark and gloomy at all times and was entirely too quiet. I spent most of my time down there listening to CDs and watching Lord of the Rings, scrolling on Tumblr and texting Nathan. 

I had Lexi over there that summer: we started at her house, then we went roller-skating with her little sister. There was a kid there that was wearing a shirt with the Kool-Aid man on it, and he kept winking at me. He must have been 11. I fell on my ass and it really hurt. I remember I wore my little yellow track shorts and my DIY SP baby tee. It was quite immodest in the eyes of our Christian parents. After that we went to pick up Levi from his guitar workshop which was at LuHi, and I remember seeing Nathan there, who looked me up and down while I was wearing my tiny shorts. Then Lexi and I headed over to my house where my step-dad made very charred hamburgers, and Lexi and I listened to a Nirvana record, played truth or dare, and prank called Harry Keegan. The drive back home the next day was very awkward for some reason. Weird to think that only 6 months later Lexi and I wouldn't be talking.

That summer I watched The Faculty for the first time and absolutely loved it. It's still one of my favorite movies and has become such a staple for my teen years. 

The rest of that summer was lonely. I spent nearly every day and all day in the basement moping about life, and only came up when my mom made me paint the front door orange. I blasted Gish during the painting to make sure she knew I wasn't enjoying it. I still have paint stains on that one t-shirt. 

It's hard for me to remember that summer chronologically, since it's mostly just a blur with a couple of clear images. I was of course obsessed with Flipper during that time and mostly listened to my Sandy playlists (which I now have a revamped version of on Spotify). I drew Elijah Wood and dolphins all summer long and posted shitty Tiktoks. 

I remember our fourth of July celebrations. At my dad's house, on the actual fourth, we did nothing. Typical of my dad. That day I watched Deep Impact for the first time and was borderline terrified. That night I remember laying in bed feeling totally hopeless and aimless and listened to "4th of July" by James Iha along with the rest of the album. At the ranch a couple of days later, I have a mental image of my step-dad setting up a firepit in the rocks near the garage and us sitting there at 8pm one summer night as the sun went down. I remember I was listening to This Time by the Smashing Pumpkins. The frame of my life back then was that I was somehow experiencing the last of my life. I guess all suicidal people feel that way. 

Another mental image I have of that summer was me sitting on the bench in the pasture. I know I was listening to This Old Dog or My Old Man by Mac DeMarco.

I remember nights staying up all night just drawing to ease the pain. That summer felt terribly long. I think that was the same summer when my dad and I went to the grocery store a like 9pm and he left me in the car for two hours. I don't remember a lot about my dad's house, because it was even more boring than my mom's. My dad never bought food except for himself, and all he bought me was junk food. So all day I would lay in bed crying and eating chocolate and drinking soda. Recently my mom bought the same brand of potato chips that my dad used to buy. I ate one and couldn't stand it because all I could remember was my dad's neglect. (Last night I had a conversation with my mother since I've been crying a lot about my dad and his shitty habits, especially the video I found on the internet of my dad introducing his counseling organization and saying "I'm a father, but my kids are hard to love." My mom told me then that she'd told a therapist back in the day that one day her kids would find out about the person their dad was, that she need not tell us herself.)

Before school started I began to watch the movie North (Elijah Wood), which was about a kid who tries to find new parents because his ignore him so badly. I made the guy in the pink bunny costume my profile picture for my new school account.

I don't remember how I felt about high-school. I don't think I was too worried about it because I knew Nathan and Lexi would be there. It seemed like a new adventure and it also felt like I had all the time in the world to figure everything out. Now I'm going to be 18 in five days and graduating in five months. If there's one thing that makes us human, it is our perpetual fear of the passage of time. No matter where we are in human history, no matter how many books, essays, poems, or movies have been made about accepting time and its consequences, every person is born naturally with that disabling fear of not being able to do anything about time passing. No matter how many technological advancements are made, nothing can take away that terror. I still really feel like a freshman and I really do feel like I'm 14. Last year when I was 17 someone asked how old I was and I said 14. I feel 14 and I think I always will. Fourteen is such an interesting age. You're not a child, and you're not cool enough to be a teen. You're in middle school or maybe high-school, and it is such a transition age. You feel like you have all the freedom in the world and yet none at all. You feel like a kid and you feel like an adult. You want to be independent and you also want to be taken care of. You are a rebellious teen and you are also a little kid. You can do anything and you can do nothing.

The first two months of high-school had an entirely different vibe from the rest. It's a bit of a social phenomenon. It happens in the first month or two or HS and the last month or two of HS. In those first couple of months, everyone is on the same level. No one is popular, and no one is a loser. There's no social ladder to climb yet because everyone is still figuring it out. Your freshman year friend group, I always joked, only lasts about 30 minutes. The school looks different, the vibe is different. It is an entirely different ballgame than middle-school. Not better, not worse, just different. Every day I would go to school dressed in baggy jeans or 2000s flare jeans, with a band tee, converse, and a flannel with red hair and curtain bangs. It felt like the 90s. I consumed only 90s media, essentially, and I viewed life through a 90s lens. I had a portable CD player that I listened to my Smashing Pumpkins CDs on, and I had my Siamese Dream tote bag (which I'm using this year again). Walking the shiny hallway floors felt like I was in The Faculty film and I loved the culture around lockers, even the fact people were selling weed from them and used cologne to cover it up. 

I mostly hung out with Lexi, and when we still had lunch in the gym on the bleachers, I sat with her, Lexi Scott, Jocelyn, Ryan, Harry, the Smith twins, Jaden, Ella, and some others. None of those people talk to each other anymore (see previous paragraph, line 4). That's when I met Ella, who I also had French class with. She dressed bohemian and listened to Fiona Apple. Soon, me, her and Lexi became a trio. I remember after school when we would hang out by the Freshman lockers, right underneath the massive wooden plaque with our school's name on it. Her locker was by Cody Egbert's, who was always trying to ask her out. That freshman hallway was always so crowded, and on the second day of school, Isaiah got into a fight there and got kicked in the balls. We all played Block Blast while seeing him writhing on the floor. 

My locker was in the basement near the sweaty locker rooms. It was last locker before you got to the construction site; locker 492 right next to the trophy case. The school was adding a new addition, which actually had a cafeteria and more classrooms. They had a shitty cardboard wall to hide the construction going on, and one day during the first week of school it began to rain and it flooded into the school from that cardboard wall. That was about 5 feet from my locker, and the water began to creep towards me as I was gathering my end of the day things. Thomack, who I was besties with that year, told everyone to leave the area. They started soaking it up with paper towels from the bathroom.

I remember being very excited to decorate my locker, and I plastered it with pictures of Elijah Wood and the Smashing Pumpkins. My locker was next to Nick Looney's and he was always trying to axe-bomb the girl above me. 

The first day of school we had a tornado warning and had to hide in the basement. 

Another memory I have of the first couple days of school was sitting outside on the rocks against the outside of Stelling's classroom, waiting for my mom to pick me up. I was wearing my black corduroy flare pants and my mellon collie shirt, and I remember I had been listening to Stay Young by Oasis all day long including then. That song still reminds me of the first day, and so I'm going to listen to it on graduation. I also remember that week sitting next to my locker on the floor and reading The Faculty wiki.

That's basically all I can remember from that time.