Report Blog Entry
i loveee this song so i wrote down my personal interpretation of the lyrics. this song is my soul right alongside strangers by ethel ^^
Whatever's wrong with me, I will take to bed
this line represents in my opinion the kind of moment when you realize that whatever is wrong inside you isn’t going away anytime soon. it’s not about fighting it or trying to fix yourself; it's about carrying it with you, even into the most personal and vulnerable spaces like your bed, and there’s a sense of avoidance here, not because you don’t care, but because facing it feels too overwhelming, so it is easier to just let it lie beside you, hoping that maybe, somehow sleep will ease the weight of it. but it doesn’t - it never does and it never will. instead, it becomes a part of you, maybe even your identity, something you live with every day, knowing it’ll be there again tomorrow.
I give in so easy
“I give in so easy” feels like an acknowledgment of your weakness, where, instead of resisting, you fall into your patterns of self hate and vulnerability. no matter how hard you try to resist, you will always be pulled and dragged them back down. and for me, as i dont really believe in a free will, i dont see surrendering as necessarily a weakness - more like a natural consequence of that lack of control. i don’t feel like i have a real choice, so i give in easily.
Nature chews on me
suffering isn’t just external - it’s built into us. for me personally nature here mostly represents the words, expectations, shame, the judgment from others that tear apart my sense of self, but also like literally just the human experience overall; we are nature, for we live. furthermore, love, life - everything is temporary, and nature waits for everything to fade and return to dust, since it’s only a matter of time. and if i'm not in control of how i respond to it, if free will is just an illusion, then i especially can’t help but be chewed on by these forces around me. because, in the end, that’s the way it was always going to be.
Little death like lead, poisonous and heavy
so i don’t interpret "little death" in its typical sexual sense, for me its about experiences where it feels like a part of me has died inside, not physically obviously - but more mentally, in a way the lost of important parts of myself, such as the version of me that could have existed without trauma, with a normal brain. i was always meant to be dead, yet i somehow keep surviving. everything feels like a preview of a physical death itself, because i’ve been dying since the moment i was trapped in my mothers womb, and i've begun to decay the moment i was born - so, ''little death" reminds me that the process has been ongoing. ''like lead'' - the weight of it indeed kinda feels like lead. the poison isnt sharp or sudden, its a constant pressure that wears you down; if it were a real death, at least there’d be peace, and it wouldnt have been so poisonous.
It has always been this way, it has always been this way
well this line is pretty real, it feels like i was never meant to be at peace; misery is built into me, and i wouldnt recognize myself without it, i probably wouldnt exist without it. my mind’s kind of a blur when it comes to the past, but the desire to end my life has always been constant; it’s just always been this way.
~skipping best line obviously for now hihi~
In the morning I will mar myself again
firstly, i obviously connected this line to self harm - to mar something is to break it, to leave it scarred, damage it; starting around the age of 9, there was a time when i was 12/13 that i would do it first thing in the morning, like i had to pay for the sin of waking up, i was so angry at myself for not having god like powers to choose my own fate, for not being able to die in my sleep the way i wanted to, so it certainly was and still is an interesting way to cope with the shame of being alive. on the other hand, i also interpret this line as a reflection of the way i wake up every day with the same problems i went to bed with. waking up is a reminder that i have to live - each day, by simply continuing to exist, i mar myself further, i mar my existence; living feels like an act of self harm in itself. waking up and chosing not to kill myself is what scars the most.
He was a natural Plauché, saying, 'You won't forget this.'
i don’t know the full story of plauché, but what i do know is enough, the man had to do with a child molester or something - and that alone makes me think of how there were people like him in my childhood that shaped me in the same negative way. even if i can’t remember my childhood, my brain hasn’t forgotten - how could i ever forget? even if some memory fades, the consequences never do; it shaped me and gave me all these shitty disorders, everythings too ingrained. its who i am, and without it, i wouldn’t be.
Shame is sharp, and my skin gives so easy
this is probably one of my favorite lines, its the most accurate reflection of what i feel, shame is so much more than just an emotion, it literally defines me, and its so sharp, so painful, cutting through me in ways i cant avoid since my skin is too weak to protect me from it, as it gives in so easy. i am so fragile when it comes to shame, i am so ashamed of being alive, i hate having npd so much, i cant bear the weight of living with myself anymore, i hate that i am no one and i am so ashamed now that i am writing this. i cant even look at myself in the mirror without wanting to slam it against my head and cut my eyes out with the pieces. if i weren’t constantly overcompensating, i’d be probably just die because of shame.
Only God knows, only God would believe, that I was an angel, but they made me leave
i interpret this as a loss of innocence; it speaks to being pure and then damaged by others actions. there was a time when everyone was just a child, an angel, worthy of love. "they made me leave" i see it as being forced to abandon that innocence or maybe like being cast out from heaven entirely - i know that i am not a good person, but when i was a child i wasnt good nor bad, i simply existed before God; and God knows the truth. he could be the only one who believes that i once was an angel, once worthy of anything, because nobody else would ever truly believe that, i dont even believe it myself.
I am punished by love
so this is my fav line obviously, and i have a few ways i interpret this personally.
1) love as justification for abuse: im not sure if i am correct but i thought that this was also the original meaning; it shows how pedos / abusers justify their actions as "love," but it’s nothing more than lust, control, anger. and yeah this is real; love was never something to cherish, it was the punishment that molded me from the moment it all started.
2) so that brings me to love as some shaping force - being raised with love, but the way it was presented wasnt healthy at all; the moment i was introduced to love, pain pledged its loyalty to me. it punished me by defining me, and now i am a result of that love, sadly.
3) as a child, i begged for love that never came, desperately wanting someone to show me i was worthy of it; love as a burden. the love i sought feels like a burden, and every act of love was a sacrifice, a plea for validation, giving far more than i received when i was little. now its a punishement because i am constantly reminded of what i didnt get, still don’t have, what i can never have.
4) i never deserved love in the first place; the more i try to feel loved / try to love someone, the more i am confronted by the fact that i’ll never be worthy of it - that is a big punishment in itself; love as unworthiness.
5) each time i tried to love or be loved, it tore something inside me apart, so its kinda like a destructive cycle. love itself punished me for my desires, for wanting something that would never heal what was already dead inside, it’s a never ending cycle that always leaves me worse off than before.
6) i’ll never love the way others can, and thats also a big sentence; that loves feels unattainable, it feels like a punishment to even reach for it because i know i’ll never experience it anymore. it was way too idealized from the start and i seemed to forget im too sick and worthless for it. its too late now anyways.
7) love as a promise; this one is pretty simple, love punishes me every single second with it, because if it weren’t for the promises i made out of desperation for love, i could have had peace already, i could have killed myself. but no, obviously i clung to them, thinking they would somehow redeem me yet they only dug me deeper into guilt and despair.
8) love has always betrayed me, i really trusted people, allowed myself to believe in the loyalty that comes with love, only to have that trust broken; each time, it felt like a punishment, i had it coming. i patheticly believed love could be real, that it could be something lasting, but instead, it’s always been a tool for betrayal. and if it wasnt the person who turned out to be disloyal, then it was love itself that betrayed me. how could love not be enough to save someone who was my everything? why cant love offer immortality? that in the end, is the greatest betrayal of all. the idea of trusting love feels like a form of self sabotage now, because i know it will betray harshly again.
9) unconditional love seems like a dream, i mean i dont think ive experienced unconditional love 100%, im too selfish for it, but i kid you not if it meant that he would have still loved me with loyalty, faithfully, i would have done everything, if only i were loved by him forever. he could have stabbed me, raped me, i would have accepted everything if it meant i was really loved by him with loyatly forever and that i could really love someone selflessly. this sounds so pathetic but at this point i dont care, this was literally the only thing i wanted from life, and that makes it the ultimate punishment - desiring something that can never be mine anymore.
10) incapability to love as a punishment; i feel like such a toxic person incapable of loving properly, i feel like i always have a sick urge to abuse the other person. no matter how much i ''loved'' someone, there were always times where i had to shut myself up and go into isolation for everyones best because i physically felt the need to harm someone, because of my irrationality and incapability to ever form a 100% true healthy bond. not havaing the capacitites feels like a punishment by love.
11) love is the cause of most, if not all, human suffering, in my humble opinion, it punishes us all. i feel like for all of us (non superficial people at least), every struggle seems to trace back to love or the absence of it; the unattainable, the unearned, the anger it provokes, and the destruction it leaves behind, it is the root of every hardship. wanting healthy love feels like the most human of all weaknesses.
alrighty, so what i wrote here might not be the most coherent or logical, but i honestly dont care because i enjoyed doing it :3
Comments
Comments disabled.