Entry #59

i dont really know if my boyfriend will see this since he hasnt talked to me about my spacehey recently, but im going to post this anyway since no one really reads this shit anyway. i might make it friends only though just in case. i have been with my boyfriend for 2 months, it will be 3 on the 20th. currently the 17th as im writing this. recently, a lot of things have been getting on my nerves. my boyfriend got mad at me on the 14th for playing with my best friend all day even though i explained that i was playing with him all day. then proceeded to be mad when i didnt call him at midnight since the 15th would be his birthday, and wanted to spend the midnight with me. in my opinion, i think that shit is stupid and id rather spend the actual day with him rather than an hour and have him sleep the entire time. though i am not too mad at that anymore since we cleared that up. but another thing that that reminds me of, is that he ALWAYS wants to call me and stuff. i HATE calling people. unless we are doing something like playing a game or streaming something, i do not want to call. but he always does. and when we do call when we arent doing something, he always ends up just falling asleep. why even call if youre just going to sleep? i dont understand, we arent even spending time together. and he always wants to facetime, why? i am NOT all that. there is no reason to want to see me 24/7, it makes me feel like i just have no time to myself. ive talked to him about this before how hes always so clingy and he said he would work on it and change it. it doesnt fucking seem like it honestly. and he admitted today to me that he gets all pissed off whenever im spending time with someone else, what the fuck? he knows i barely have anybody in my worthless fucking life, so why is he so mad that im spending time with someone who actually wants to be in my life? just hang out with the other 50 fucking million people youre friends with. and all of our texts are just him texting about how he constantly misses me, like just have a different conversation with me. youre allowed to miss me, but that doesnt mean we have to hang out for fucking eternity. im losing it. i love him a lot, of course, but its just getting tiring. im starting to try and tell him no when he asks to call, but it sucks being a people pleaser and hes overall a very emotional person so it feels like i have to walk on eggshells around him and i feel like i shouldnt have to feel like that, you know? and then when i talk to my friends about him, i constantly have to make excuses for the way he treats me and i realize it and its just awful. my friends around me have noticed that ive became more stressed out and paranoid, always checking my phone to see if hes messaged me and stuff. do you know how miserable that sounds? it makes me look like im just being fucking walked on. thats humiliating. and then he goes and messages his friends talking about our fucking arguments and then doesnt clarify that we made up and it makes me look like an even worse of a person, and he did that TO OUR MUTUAL FRIEND BY THE WAY. WHAT THE FUCK? and then he has this whole fucking twitter account that he knows i know about and he actively talks shit about me on it. by the way, i told him to fucking delete the account and he was like "no its how i cope" ARE YOU SERIOUS? YOU COPE BY SHIT TALKING ME ON A PUBLIC TWITTER ACCOUNT? BY THE WAY, HE BLOCKED ME ON TTHE ACCOUNT (he told me he would) AND TWITTER DOESNT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. YOU CAN STILL GET BLOCKED ACCOUNTS IN YOUR FEED AND VIEW THEIR PUBLIC POSTS, DOESNT FUCKING MATTER WHO BLOCKED WHO. that shit pissed me THE FUCK OFF. and his fucking friend texted me being all like "its his birthday tomorrow btw lolllll he wants to call u btw lolllll" WHEN I WAS WITH MY FUCKING FRIEND. I KNOW HIS GOD DAMN FUCKING BIRTHDAY IM HIS BOYFRIEND WHOS BEEN IN LOVE WITH HIM FOR 2 FUCKING YEARS I KNOW HIS WEIGHT BY HEART. DONT FUCKING TALK TO ME. ESPECIALLY WHEN HIS ASS KNOWS THAT IM SPENDING THE ENTIRE DAY WITH MY BEST FRIEND, WHO HE ACTUALLY ALMOST MADE ME STOP BEING FRIENDS WITH BECAUSE HE JUST WOULDNT LEAVE ME ALONE AND I COULDNT SPEND ANY TIME WITH MY OTHER FRIENDS. DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING CRAZY IM GETTING, TYPING THIS SHIT OUT? IM FUCKING SHAKING TYPING THIS, IT PISSES ME THE FUCK OFF. I LOVE HIM BUT FUCKING STOP ACTING LIKE THIS. I GET MESSAGES ALMOST EVERY TIME I EVEN MENTION HIM, TELLING ME TO "WAKE UP BREAK UP" FROM ALL OF MY FRIENDS. IS THAT NOT INSANE? FUCK.