change

I can smell the spring coming, at last. Spring is coming and with spring is coming change. 

I've been getting the itch, I'm sick of myself. I've gotten so complacent lately, I've thought I'm so cool and careless and windswept that I don't need to even do anything and everything will work out by itself, because I'm just so cool and fun and ahead of the game. I'm not.

I'm not - in fact, I'm pretty far behind the game. I've just  been rolling about in my own delusions doing fuck all. I think I've already written about this, but it's getting worse, but I'm glad it's getting worse, I need to get so sick of myself that I have no choice but to change, no choice is the only thing that'll motivate the thing I am now.

I just act like a fucking clown. I show up late, I don't do the work, I put in the bare minimum and then I act like I'm the shit because everyone else is working hard - and I tell myself it's because I've already done first year that I'm so relaxed and therefore cool and mysterious. No hun, you're just wasting the 9 grand a year that you're paying to be here x 

Not even just in the academics though, my health, my social life, the way I look at people, my religious life, my job. I just talk about it but do FUUUUCK all! I hate myself right now, but that's kind of what I need, I need to get uncomfortable with it so I can finally move on out of it.