My repulsive obsessive tendencies

It is almost 10 pm on a "school night" and i just watched the second episode of IWTV season 2. I feel like the show speaks to my soul but nobody will let me talk about it. They joke and laugh and poke fun but i eat, sleep, breathe the characters. I romanticize them because i am a teenage girl but on a much deeper level i feel their pain. To live an eternity with the same people and never experience closer, to live through death time and time again. To be so in love with a person that the only way to fulfill it is for them to die?(Not to this extent but u get the point) It is beautiful, is it not? Iv'e suspected that i have BPD for awhile and i think that is why i am such a good writter. It is because everytime i consume a good story i fucking thread that shit through my brain, i take a part of it with me everywhere. And i become obsessed.

Now to the real issue that this show has helped me realize. I struggle to tell the difference between romantic attraction and infatuation. I spent a chunk of my developmental years believing i felt love for someone, but it was infatuation. Even now that i am rid of them and they have committed horrible act there is still lingering feeling. I know it is not love, but it is concerningly not hatred. That infatuation left a void that only they can fill and i have to live the rest of my life adapting to this empty space in my soul. Under no circumstances can i allow them to fill it. She made me feel alive, realize things i had never before, held my mind in a way that is indescribable. It was horibly toxic and, at the time, made me horribly horny. Now, Like Louis, i sit everyday haunted. Everything reminds me of her and i hate her for even existing but i could not exist without her. 

You see my problem. I obsess over EVERYTHING and i don't know how to stop? but when people tell me i am obsessed with things that i am not it annoys me because who tf are you. 

k im done now,

,Heav.