1/13/2025, 6:28PM

my mom has been in the hospital for the past week. i havent gone to see her, but i probably will at some point. she was in the icu with sepsis and pneumonia at first, but shes doing better and they moved her to a regular room.

of course, i am worried about her condition and i want her to get better soon. i still hate her though. i havent had any one-on-one phone calls with her, all of the news about her condition has been relayed to me down the grapevine. i dont really want to talk to her, but i also feel kind of like a piece of shit for it. like, yea shes sick in the hospital, but that doesnt just erase everything she did to me. and everyone is acting like i should just forget about it and be there for her 24/7.

i feel bad for her. im scared for her. i dont want her to die, i want her to get better. i still do not like her.

maybe it is kind of selfish im putting my feelings before hers? i dont think so, because ive done that plenty of times in the past. i gave her chances to be a good person, and she threw them away because of her own ego and pleasures. 

i hope she gets better soon. i hate her.

its not like im asking for much, all i want her to do is realize the mistakes she made, realize the impact they had on me, and then feel bad for doing what she did before she apologizes. i want an earnest apology. i dont want her to just apologize so i will talk to her again, i want her to apologize because she feels awful for what she did to me. because then it will mean she changed and is a better person for it.

i dont think thats going to happen for a long long while. maybe it wont happen ever, i dont know. it would be nice if my mother would apologize for fucking me up so bad, and i can say "i love you" to her and mean it. i dont love her, but i care about her because shes been in my life for so long. even if she was doing shitty things for the majority of it, she was still a part of it. i would be lying if i said there werent good times, but they are significantly outweighed by the bad ones.

i miss my mom.