I hate being me

I'm a coward and it's not a surprise.

I hate facing every single problem in my life, I fear the possible results, I analyse EVERY detail, overthinking everything and overworking myself for nothing. 

Being useless for even ask for ur food on a restaurant by yourself is embarrassing, and the way I just rather be starving instead of having a social interaction that can't be acc so bad to get some food dissaponts myself.

But today I'll excuse myself coz I have a reason to be the way I am, and it's the fear of ur parents finding out u r gay.

Let's just say that both of my parents dislikes everything related to the lgtbq+ community and they made sure to make me understand their point. And unfortunally I'm the gay son, the typical story of homophobes parents and the gay coward son, nothing new. But I'm also trans. Honestly, I don't like ppl finding out I'm not cis coz I don't want them to see me as a "trans boy", just a boy and nothing more. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm proud of trans ppl being themselves with no fear of showing who they are, I kinda envy that freedom, but as a personal thinking, I'd like ppl not even care about this in my case, so if u r reading this, when u finish try to forget about what I said about me, I think I just need to get this out of my chest.

Anyways, going to the point here, my parents almost find out I'm trans bc of my "masculine likes" in clothes, behavior, etc. So they called me to have that talk and ask me if I was a "butch"... That kinda made me back out ngl, but I knew they would never have a little respect on this topic so I tried my best to stay quiet. And so I did, but just bc I couldn't tell them the truth. 

For a lil context, my father is more like "damn u gay, u weirdo, but welp, be weirdo far from me" and my mom it's more like "gross, I hate it". So when my dad asked me that, I could notice a hint of disgust towards me in my mom and I got scared. I love my mom as almost every ppl in this world, so seeing her being disgusted of me broke my heart. I couldn't answer for a lil moment while my dad started with the "society makes ppl gay bc..." shit, so I stayed quiet until he asked again, and bc I'm a coward, I said no, that I wasn't and left the room.

I'm 18 now, what stops me then? Fear. But my dad tried to stay calm although all the shit he said, what stops me then? Fear. Fear controls all my life and I think that's why I'm not happy about how's my life going. 

Anyways, I have no one to tell this, no one close that I want to hear this better said, so thank u for reading this and srry for taking ur time.