(30/12/24) - (11/1/25)

   I feel apathetic.
   It has been even harder to understand his behaviour, a good amount of the 2 weeks he was here were spent yelling and the few things I could make out of it was him pointing mistakes she has made over the years, over and over again, things that have to do with me and I don't hold them against her, if anything I'm thankful to her, even though it wasn't her intention. But he doesn't understand that, he doesn't seem to be interested in understanding.

   Everytime he'd yell, I felt anxious over her, worried this would be her breaking point. The one time I tried to help by calming him down from whatever he was upset with, I ended having my words seen with malice and completely distorted by him. I couldn't handle it and cried, which made things even worse. I didn't think he'd get like this, he looked like a completely different person.

   I think I'm scared of him. He clearly hated me.

   By the end of his stay he finally mellowed out. But it was only after she passed out and was sent to the hospital. I felt so powerless.

   Maybe because of all this, I have been reminiscing and reconnecting with my older interests a lot. Nostalgia is the only thing making forget and feel better. But that came with guilt, because how can I feel somewhat happy when she's clearly suffering?

   After he was gone I was sure things would eventually calm down and get better, but she passed out again today.

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Currently listening to: Nowhere by PARK BYEONG HOON