body count and my beating heart

   I had sex with someone new, for the first time in what feels like far too long I held someone I feel for tightly in my arms and plummeted softly into sleep within their bed. Whenever I give myself to another person like that, I try to give them every part of my being that I can, I give myself away without a second thought for them to hold within their hands. My desire to do so comes easily whenever I'm near this person, whenever I look in their eyes, kiss her lips, play with his hair, hold their hand.  And I can feel their desire for me within every word they say, I can feel their joy whenever I tell them I want to spend more time together, I can feel that they don't want me to go anywhere. At least this is what I hope. I wasn't sure if I was still even capable of feeling this way for another person anymore, but I thank god that I am.

   It's so easy to begin to fall for someone, especially when they give to you what you ache for, what you pray for death when without. But as I push forward I feel something stronger than my own will holding me back, something I cannot see but can feel throughout my entire body. I feel as if pieces of my heart are clutched within the hands of others, and from each bloody piece a thin steel line connects them back to myself. These hands wrap tightly around the pieces of my heart, standing far behind me, making walking forward without them by my side difficult. Some of these hands look at me with disgust and will never feel as I do for them, but I still want nothing more than her gaze to grace my empty eyes. Other hands long for me so strongly that it frightens me, I feel fear because I know I cannot return these feelings forever, and when that happens I know I have failed her once again. These hands pull at both heart and mind every single day, very few of my thoughts are without their shadows, I miss them even in the presence of others I want to care for. If my heart is already in the hands of so many others, how can I hope to give anything to anyone else when there's nothing left to give, and if I give all of my heart away will I die? It certainly feels like I will, but I need to stop thinking death is a viable way to get away from what's hurting me.