The Start | Dakota 💕

Most of the time, when people (singlets and systems a like) speak upon discovering the existence of systems, of plurality, they mention a show, or movie, of some kind depicting negative stereotypes of DID, or system-hood. The natural stigma that exists against any neruodivergency, but especially ones that "make someone evil/abusive".

We were about 10 years old. We can't seem to fully recall how or what made us look up these things, but we were on Youtube. Watching this woman prove her plurality in a doctors office.

We saw her crying with joy, wiping her tears and talking about how good it feels to have some kind of proof. That she and her system wasn't crazy, that this was real, that this was their reality. Her husband holding her hand in glee, talking about happy he is to see her getting this closure, that all the fake claimers are wrong.

I was 10, then 11, then 12 years of age, deep in research. Unaware of why I was so deeply latched onto this concept, on this weird attempt to prove this "wasn't me" to no one but myself. Video after video of documentaries of systems, 10+ members, 20+ members, 2000+ members. People talking about their stories, how they feel what they're existence was like.

By the time I was in high school, the voice in my head repeatedly asking me why I was so invested in this research, so gently trying to get me to realize something. I was deep in denial, convinced I just needed to research this in case I ever met a system. Another, much anger voice, saturated with agitation would make a comment about how I did all this research to fake being a system properly. Because all I wanted was attention.

The third voice, eye roll laced in their words, reminded all of us that I wasn't faking anything because I didn't want to be a system. Ending the conversation as a universal pang of hurt hit the system I didn't know I was denying the rights to.

By junior year, I found a system irl, by pure happen chance of taking to them. I would ask them questions, we would talk, I would comment on the research I'd done. There wasn't enough time in the world for that conversation, but for that brief moment in a world I'd only felt isolated in, I felt seen. By someone who didn't even know they were seeing me.

I wouldn't see them again after that. But I hope they're doing well still.

A wonderful experience all around. The system, the host I met, was wonderful, and meeting them inspired me to continue my off and on research. With the desire to spread that knowledge and do my own part to destroy stigma and stereotypes around system-hood and DID alike.

The young voice in my head that could never age reflected this fire, this justice, and urged us to talk about it openly. While the gentle voice knew I was to shy to go that far, surround by closed minded people who likened disorders to demons. The icy voice, the one that still gives me chills up spine, so cold to the touch. Would tell me all this research is useless if I can't apply it anywhere, especially to myself, and that it was childish and stupid of me to waste my time on it.

Fast forward to many years later, with new friends of different places. Newfound freedoms I had in the smallest of things. The voices growing ever impatient with me.
Someone close to me would confess they were a system. Causing an uproar unbeknownst to them by my own mind.

The deeper voice, not as angry, but still steeped in agitation. Spoke that us saying anything like this now would just be us reaching for attention. A warning.

I refused to acknowledge this deep panic in my chest.

Deep into research I dived again as another voice revealed itself. Sweet like honey but with a bite behind it, speaking things that would make even the worst of sailors blush. Would eventually tell me how different the two of us were. And how abnormal it was for voices to exist in a singlets head.

Eventually one of the voices, usually rambling with only the urge to guide me, had enough.

For one day, one day alone my mind was completely silent, no voices in sight. A sudden loneliness I would never wish upon even the worst of people. I begged, plead, confessed to all I trusted what was happening in case I could have someone to help me fix it.

My kid would open the door, and sigh my dramatics. The other who helped them would ruffle their wings in agitation at my antics. And tell me to give him a day or so to get over it.

He would come to me not longer after with more info-dumps, more thoughts, and more knowledge about our system.

When I remember that system I watched on Youtube that one fateful day as I child. I feel myself relating to it as a whole. My connection to such a simple video so much deeper than I ever knew, I could never imagine if I had grown up believing the stigma surrounding system-hood. How much grief I would've caused our system because of that. I'm very glad our first experience with the concept of system-hood and DID, was of the one system trying to prove their existence.

I hope for more videos like that exist as time moves forward. Not even about proving systems exist, but videos that help de-stigmatize us, and the negative stereotypes become just a faded memory. The future is plural, in all the ways that matter.