i don't know if i'm ready for the next stage of my life

i'm 22. i'm about to graduate college this may. i won't see my friends regularly, and most of them will be moving away. i won't have a built in network of artists i meet with to share work like i do in my classes. i won't have the built in ability to progress towards a goal through doing what i love. and the job market SUCKS ASS oh my lord. in the US, there's basically no way to move up in the world financially without a ton of luck (and if you guys disagree, just stop reading right here, i don't want to deal with neoliberal bootstraps bullshit in the comments). 

i'm now living with my partner-- and i do love it!! we get to fall asleep together and experience life together and its great, but. i feel like i miss my independence. i miss being alone. i miss being able to just do random things on a whim, like going to the coffee shop to read, or going out to walk around downtown while listening to a podcast. i know i'm still physically able to do that, but i feel like i need to make this other person aware of what i'm doing and when, and it's an odd adjustment to make. i'm trying to learn and navigate what being in a long-term adult relationship means. i've never had a relationship last this long and be this healthy, and part of me doesn't know what to do right now about it. 

what's next? grad school? probably. but my the grad school i would theoretically go to makes me just...not excited. i don't want to go. and i don't know WHY i don't want to go. i can't figure out what in my life would actually make me happy. nothing feels like it's enough. everything helps as much as it can, but it doesn't do enough to make me feel like i know what my purpose is or even could be. 

i want to be normal. i want one job, with regular hours. i want to be able to sleep in on my days off, and write poetry when i have free time. i want to make dinner in my kitchen, with my cat sleeping on his cat tree just a few feet away. i want to be normal. i want to not need to work so hard. i want to be a regular person, even if its just for a little, little bit.