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I brush my teeth,, I put on sleeping clothes,, I lay out my blanket.
I lie down,, I toss and turn
But I do not sleep.
I don't like going to sleep.
Very rarely, I feel relaxed.
I always feel tense. Always on edge.
Like any moment now,, something is waiting.
I don't know,, really.
It's not like I can't get up or move.
It just feels wrong to.
Having the urge to look around me,, to turn the lights on, lock the doors.
But I don't.
It only really makes me feel less safe to have to check around so repeatedly.
And so,, I lose sleep a lot.
I'd rather do anything but sleep,, most of the time.
Lately I've been trying to sleep earlier.
Trying to get a good resting schedule.
Every time I start to close my eyes
When I start to drift off to sleep
I am given two things:
A Promise and a Choice
"I will make you feel happy."
"All Your Worries, all your stressors, everything that has made you unhappy- It will all disappear."
"All you have to do, is
"
and there never really was an answer to that question.
To be honest, I don't really remember what comes after that.
Do I want to?
A little bit. But mostly, No, because I am kind of scared.
I do know the answer. Probably because I made it up.
Is it all made-up? I dunno.
It must be, though.
It's somewhere in there.
Something in the subconscious of the brain.
Probably some sort of fucked-up coping mechanism.
The promise of Happiness.
Safety. Comfort.
A worry-free life.
That sounds like a load of crap, honestly.
I don't really know what to feel about the idea of this.
Maybe I'll make another blog about it once I do end up. Knowing a little bit more.
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