1st blog but venting

so this is blogging.. right? idk what is blogging and idk how to blogging so.. yeah I'll just venting. my life is just fucking shitty and im victim of child abuse, domestic violence, gaslight, bullying, cyber bullying etc.. and that shit caused me depression, PTSD, bipolar, anxiety, sh, internet sa, ed, self sabotage, low esteem, family issues, fear of male,  peter pen syndrome etc... I just wanna die but I cant. cuz Im hella introvert and shy and have no friends irl when Im in trouble. I had no friends since 2018 and literally fuckin painful. I fuckin hate my life and NOBODY understand me and gets me WTF I've been through ever since I was little. they literally said ITS MY FAULT. NOT THEIRS. and they NEVER said IM SORRY. BCUZ OF THEIR DAMN EGO. I hate it. I hate my life, my relationships, my face, my body, etc.. like WHY. WHY TF AM I LOOK LIKE THIS. WHY MY LIFE IS ALWAYS FUCKIN WORSE. WHY CANT I EXPERIENCE THE HAPPY LIFE WITH A HAPPY FAMILY? WHY. WHY DO I ruin everything and WHY am I like this. WHY. WHY am I SO useless and SO unattractive. WHY am i such a failure. WHY am I born like this. WHY. I RATHER DIE INSTEAD OF LIVE LIKE THIS FOREVER. CUZ I HATE IT.