ninth entry.

So I finally added an intro to my blog. I'll update it as I go with this. I'm surprised I'm able to keep a journal. Its nice having somewhere to vent to

About yesterdays entry. Sometimes the dark thoughts can be so strong. I'm recovering as a person who used to self harm. I haven't in about 5 years, but some days I feel it so overwhelmingly strong, that I just want to hurt myself with something sharp. Like, its so hard to explain, the pain inside when I feel it, its so strong, and hurts so much. Like nothing I feel on the outside, and cutting lets all those feelings out. I don't know how else to explain it. Like nothing I could ever feel on the outside will hurt as much as I feel on the inside. I have scars, not as much as some people, but enough. No one in my family has ever asked about them, and the few times they have I obviously lied. Like I'm not about to open up to them. That's a whole other different kind of pain, and its one I'm not familiar with. 

What's even more sad is that I'm fully aware of my own mental short comings, and I'm also aware that its just how my brain is hard wired too. There is nothing I can do to fix or change it now, its how my brain works. I can make things easier to deal with, but this is how I am. I know I'm for sure on the spectrum at least a little bit, and I 100 percent have ADHD, and I am clinically diagnosed with anxiety and depression. My depression can spike and cause feelings of self hatred, and loathing. I've been thinking a lot about my life, and where I wanted to be by now. 

A few things I am happy about: I never married or had kids with any of my ex boyfriends. I am so grateful that I never allowed myself to have children. I grew up taking care of my siblings at the tender age of 9, and in all my past relationships I was always giving it my all while receiving none. And now that I live with my elderly grandma I'm taking care of her. So its safe to say that if and when I get into a relationship I do not want to be the one taking care of everything again. I refuse to. I'd rather die alone than have to be subservient and submissive just for someone to give me a smidge of the love I know I deserve. 

I know I'm a loser, I sit around all day in my room and watching anime. I play games and collect figurines and plushies. But at least I never had a poor kid. Or I'm not stuck in a relationship with someone I grew to hate.