light part of my darkness

i surprisingly find an eminent comfort in complete sadness and despair idk why. it sucks like really bad but i just let myself go with its flow whenever i hit rock bottom. My body forsakens me and its full conscious about the power it holds to defeat the devilish thoughts and desires to split my life in half, and i do too. Thats why whenever im in depth of despair, i find it illuminating. crazy. I dont even want to mention the aftermath of letting myself go: bad grades, weight gain, face goes expressionless, feelings go numb or too intense, pale skin and unhygenic, unable to drink water and feeling like i am the shit.

thats depression, and i know i am depressed. Am i ever going to be uplifted and be able to get out of this tormenting rutt ? Will i ever be loved ? Will someone ever accept me in all shapes and forms ?

will i ever love myself and help it find God again?

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