I Like Showers now

I Like Showers now

i used to fucking despise showers. But honestly,, then,, i just hayted even being alive. 

The water was collected in a tub,, sometimes bugs would crawl in. If they did,, we'd have to pou r it all out and fill it back up again. THis little thing could often take even an hour. Drip Drip Drip. just waiting for the water to fill up the tub a reasonable amount.

 A little yellow tint would often stain the waters that came out the tap,, if there was even any at that time. Generally,, the bathroom was clean. BUt it was only as clean as we could make it. NOt Very. I didn't grow up in poverty,, i was of a family of avergage income i think;. we just were not in such a good situation. good things happen,, just not early enoiugh sonetimes.

 i felt filthy,, staring at the cracked mirror stuck on the wall A mirror thatd been there since i was a child,, reminding me of how i was too,, broken and stuclk. Never really being able to leave despite the lack of reason.. to even Be there. being anything but useless. and d shattered.

 Wishing that there was no reflection staring back at me; that I oculd be nothing at all. in stead of tainetd. distgisting. it felt so gross,, just makig me wanna die even more,, to be freed from the shell of my mortal flesh,, i wanted nothing more than to be nothing at all. if i was simpky nothing,, then i'd have nothingto worry about. Nothing to hate looking at. NOthing,, to remember,, nothing to happen. NOthing to gag and puke at.

I want to be nothing

Get it off get it off

and yet no matter how much i tried to scrub the dirt off of my skin

it never really did anything but make me feel worse

Stepping out of the shower didn't feel fresh. It was gross and slimy. There was just not enough water to wash properly. And so I culdnt and didnt. 

Showering,, I just wanted to get it over with as soon as possible. I didn't care about how clean i was,, i just wanted to be done as quick as i could,, put on a probabley not fresh set of clothes and pretend that that did anything.

Anyway,, i was miserable. After that whole thing i guess,, it's gotten better

We were moving. After years bof anticipation.

I took a very long breath,, went to the very bathroom I hated so much

I stared at the me i saw in that reflection and decided that

I was done

I just wanted so much to be me again.

after washing my face,, for maybe the first time in weeks,, i opened up my phone and deleted everything that had happened during that time. I didn't want to remember anything.I on;y wanted to do- to B e soem===mthing new.

And there was this really dead poetry group i was in. no one's talked there for moths. a guy messaged into the chat,, asking if anyone would wanna hear out his poems.

for some reason,, i responded.

And so,, i listended to lengthy verse after lenthy verse.

It was paragraphs llong;; and honestly i didn't even fully understand the lore of it.

But still,,, i descided oto at least pretend to be intrested

i responded to each and every paragraph with a 2-line rhyme,, ttrying to be a little witty for it.

""all this time,, no one has treated me the way i want to be treated. now,, i will try to treat others how they'd wanna be treated.''

was what i decidded to myself.

 surely enough,, this person did ask me ""can i see your poems?"
and i only r3eally wrote vent poetry at that time. And after he'd read one of those poems,, for the fr=irst tim e in what felt like forever,,

very genuinleuy,, for the first time in i don't know how long its been since i felt it

'are you alright?'

and for the first time,, i was listened to,,, with empathy and intrugue.

I felt seen. Heard. LIke i was actually. being treated like a person for once.

I never saw that person again,, outside of that conversation.

BUt i hope that thy are well.

I can't remember even half of what they said,, but THank YOu.

For helping me feel like a person again.

And so,, over the course of about a little over a year,, i started to build myself up little by litt.e BUilding a me i never really k=thought was possible.

i started to re-enter society(?) stopped othering myself. stepped out,, did things i didn't know i could. i tried and failed and failed anf tried and failed and suceeded.
I experienced life again,, in a way where i was \n't dragging myself to the edn of the day.

i started to enjoy being alive again.

ANd i learned to take care of muyself. i learned to srcub between the toes,, and behind the ears

i learned to take time for myself,, to not rely on others for hapiness,, to not rely on material cposessions,,, to actually start Art again,, to practice more and more the skills i wanted to have

i started to wear clothes i actua;lly felt comfortable and confident wearing,,

always trying my best,, making sure that i am clean and happy

i tried to be kinder. to everyone

to me

and now,,

i recently bought a bar of soap for 65 cents.

and I've never really felt any happier showers than the ones i take with it.

Goodnight,,

and if no one's said it yet,, i love you.

please stay alive.

you migjht find a 65 cent bar of soap that'll make life a little less despairing/