being in love

ever since i got my heart broken the first time, a part of me is scared of the words 'i love you'.

it's somehow embarrassing, somehow too personal to even think of anymore. because what does it even mean? what is love supposed to feel like? i assume it means a great amount of care and affection, but why does it feel different when you say 'i like you' instead of 'i love you'?

there's a sense of vulnerability i do not want to touch; something i want to keep to myself. if i ever show it to him, i don't want to feel uncomfortable or hurt with his reaction. heck, i don't even know if i love him.

one time, he asked me what it means to be in love. i responded with the google response: intense happiness, sense of deep care and understanding, and being excited to share a future. and he said something like....'what if those things are what i feel towards you right now?' 

recently, i had my first kiss w/ him, my boyfriend. after walking around for a bit, he asked me quietly.... 'does this mean you love me?' i didn't know how to respond, but deflected it by saying 'it's a secret!'

it's hard defining whether i'm in love with him. everything we did is just straight out of a movie. our first date was at an ikea (we watched 500 days of summer together) and we hid in a photobooth for our first kiss. i really want this to last, but i don't want to say 'i love you' when i'm not certain of my own feelings. honestly, everyone around us says we're rushing things, but i feel like the speed of this is comfortable. but its just the fact that he almost said he loved me is worrying me, because i wouldn't know how to respond without hurting him. i know it's better to be truthful, that i'm still not sure if i loved him, but i don't really want to interrupt the current 'flow' of the relationship.

so yeah, the words "i love you" still scare the shit out of me.