15) anxiety

woke up fidgety and anxious over every silly thought

i sifted through and dismissed them all with the power of basic reasoning, but that didn't really stop the adrenaline drip which my brain had prescribed me.

i tried sitting and thinking about something i wanted to do, but nothing manifested because i was so occupied with this lurking fear of everything.

spent the day with half of myself dipped in screaming thoughts and the other half sucked into the internet.

several attempts at coping rendered ineffective.

sharp regrets spur me to do something now.

my day:

- so anxious about so many things. basically anything that could've possible concerned me is a flashing screaming siren. it eats and it eats very slowly and without sign of ever being full. i genuinely tried but i can not escape it or effectively cope with it. every person becomes a source of insecurity, every thought tinted with fear.
past: regrets and scars come alive. happier times come to haunt too.
present: a footstep in my house sets me off. i let my reflection give me a panic attack because i'm so worried about how i look today. i told my band i wouldn't be free tomorrow because i'm just too afraid to tell my parents i want to go out and exist. too many things have shaken me today.
future: the coming weeks and years are overwhelming. monday is coming soon. adulthood is also coming soon. financial independence is also coming soon. etcetera. and consciously i know all of these things aren't worth stressing this hard over, but my brain has magnified them all.

- tried reading, that worked for a little

- tried producing music, but really didn't feel like it

- listened to erica western geiger counter while hitting prestige 3 in a roblox shooter. this was a nice but short-lived pleasure.

(for non-gamers, that means i hit the maximum level and reset to the beginning three times)

- forced myself to eat meals

- made myself a matcha tea or three

- folded my laundry

- tried and failed to get sleep

mostly spent today binging youtube or sifting through spacehey... nothing meaningful or provoking, just a way to pass the time, half-engaged in mildly entertaining media. 

my equivalent of doom scrolling.

funny that we use the word "spend" when talking about the passing of time. i didn't just "live" through my day, i spent it like money on certain decisions. i bought these decisions with my time and i worried that i could've spent it on something else. and unlike real money, you can't really just save it... you're constantly buying. this capitalist analogy irks me. (although it's pretty good if you accept its flaws and build mental workarounds [insert nerd emoji])

as you can imagine, i also got increasingly anxious since over the fact that the usual coping methods weren't working and that i was "wasting" the day (which i wasn't, i was surviving it and that felt hard enough) and making poor decisions for myself. i will admit though, i could've tried just getting up from my computer and leaving my room. or just sitting in a different corner of my room and reading a poetry book or something. or starting a collage. or writing. or practicing dancing, which would've been nice if i had gotten up and done it.

i went on a night walk and that felt really really nice... it made me face the silly thoughts while also keeping me on my feet.

one of my anxieties is that i don't and never will really have close friends. i know this isn't true so don't bother telling me that. last night some friends visited from college and, without realizing until then, i really missed one of them. and i realized i haven't truly connected with someone irl for a long time. which is whatever, i know consciously that i'm capable of independence and that i do have some connections. i just wish i had someone i could lean on more often... and maybe unleash my infatuation with.

my equivalent of loneliness.

also, my whole routine is going to get fucked on monday. i'll have to start worrying about school, get used to being out from 7 a.m. to 5 p.m., deal with exhausted family members, etc. theoretically, i should be prepared for this because i've been getting better at making rational decisions to cope and decrease anxieties (e.g., simply doing my homework, journaling, etc.). but it's been bothering me the whole day, even even though i would normally accept such a change as a challenge and an opportunity.

i think i'm going to make some more solid decisions now. a common pattern in my life: i spend the day poorly, so at night the burning regret spurs me to make better decisions (not including sleeping).

going to write in my question-a-day journal and then figure it out from there. i'm thinking about reading. no point wallowing continually in anxiety after extensively reviewing it, so i ought to escape somewhere; and that place ought to be somewhere genuine, like a poetry book. 

      even as i write this i doubt myself.

i'm also still very restless and fidgety. hopefully this anxiety leaves me, but if not, i guess i'll figure something out.

i hope you are doing well. i've had many thoughts and feelings recently but nothing i deemed worthy of writing about. i guess i really am a biased autobiographer.

- francis t.