sixth entery.

I did start my period today. So far its been hard. Yesterday was so rough on me, and I'm so happy that I don't have work. I also think from having a full ton of responsibilities I'm just burnt out. Since my grandma broke her ankle on both sides of one leg I've had to take care of her.

I feel like the better part of a year I've had to take care of her. I don't mind doing it but I'm also doing everything by myself along with having other adults living with me. 

I moved in with my grandma when a relationship didn't work out years ago. That's a whole other story and a long one at that. 

And now if I move out I know she will basically be on her own. My lazy brother wont help with the house and chores. I've talked to my family about it and they all say the same thing: Ask him and give him a list. 

I do. I can't make him do it if he doesn't want to. I can chase him and ask him until I'm blue in the face. If he doesn't want to do it, he doesn't want to do it. And at that point I'm wasting my time chasing him when I could just be doing the thing i asked him 50 times to do already. Its no use. My grandma wont make him pay for anything and she wont talk to him. She says she does but I don't think she does. I can't get her to do it either. 

Its like I'm a maid for them. 

And this is one massive reason I wont date anyone. I know from experience men don't want a partner but a mother/maid for them. I'm not dealing with that anymore. Id rather just stay alone. I don't want someone being manipulating in my ear, I've done that many times. My last relationship was a wake up call and I do not want to deal with that anymore. 

Come to think of it, I think my feelings of depression are strongest around the holidays, but also my period is making it rough for me. 

More bitching. My crush W is very clingy, and he gets upset if I play certain games without him, but also we aren't dating. And I know its confusing, but I wont date him for a number of reasons, the biggest is I just don't want to date anyone right now. And yes, I've told him that if he ever wants to go play or be with someone else I will never hold him back. He doesn't owe me his time, he just likes to spend all of it with me. I've asked him multiple times what he sees in me and his answer is always the same: I make him feel good. That's always the first thing he says. its never about my looks, or personality, just what I make him feel. I suppose he could get it from anyone else but he won't. I don't force him to do anything he doesn't want to, that's not like me. I can't even force my brother to do basic house hold chores for fuck sakes.

But it hurts that the first thing W always says is that I make him feel good. Like I'm some comfort animal.