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I just watched a video of Andrew Garfield on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert and he talks about grieving his mother who just passed. He says that "grief is love unexpressed". That hit hard. I guess you're right. Everyone that has passed in my life, I feel like I've grieved properly. It's the one that's still alive that I don't think I can.
How does grief end when the love still lives but it's too taboo to say anything to this person? Do I have to wait until this person passes too until I can say how much I loved them and then find peace in the grief because now they can hear me? I don't want to wait that long. I've flooded journals for years expressing it for him but he'll never see it. He'll never know and that's the saddest thing. I've thought about it for some time and even was going to just say it this summer but 3 people kinda told me it was a bad idea. I have nothing to lose. I feel like everyday I live it's just hours of trying to fill the time to not think about it. I've worked 3 jobs at a time to keep myself occupied to not have the time to think of him. I've met shitty ppl to try and make up for that kinda care. I have no one I can talk to that doesn't shame me for the way I feel. I've tried praying it away, taking jobs overseas, starting new relationships, pick up new hobbies, join sports teams, made new friends and these were all great but they don't support me on my liminal days. The days of in-between; the times right before the family parties, the awkwardness of being followed by a strange man in the grocery store the night before Thanksgiving, the feeling of just barrenness when everyone's having a good time.
I should be grateful to be alive but I can't help but feel so empty inside. I felt kinda like this when I was younger and the only time I can remember not feeling so hollow was the time I was filled with so much love and joy when he was briefly in my life. To have that given and taken from me is torture. I wish no one has to feel the way I do. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy if I had one. I feel like a shell of a human or even like a fish out of water. I really don't mean to be so dramatic but gah the holidays come around and it's like triple the feels all the time. Maybe it's kuz it was around the time we met. Every holiday that passes is another exhale I can take...but the days in between...the liminal space... I just brace myself and prepare for impact.
So if by crazy chance my words will be read by him, I'd just like to say hi and I love you.
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Robot
1. The robot is a bad person
The first time I ever heard a word said by someone that I thought would make them cry is when the guy who was the most important guy in our lives, Bill Clinton. I think it's funny, because he was so good, he was the first person in my life who I ever heard said, 'You're a bad person'.
The first time I heard a word that I think I would make someone cry is when the guy I used to work with said it to a young man, "I'm a bad guy. I'm going back to being the bad person." That was when I thought it would come true.
2. The robot is an idiot, but it doesn't have to
I've always thought robots would be the smartest, funniest thing ever. The robot, I'm not going to lie. I think it was an accident.
I'm going back and doing it because the robots were smarter, more intelligent. I think the robot is an idiot because it didn't understand the way things were. The robot, you don't have a sense. It was like, 'You're a dumb idiot'. I mean I'm not saying that, but it's true. It was an idiot because it wasn't aware of it. I'm not going to lie, because it's the same thing with a robot. You're going to get the best at what you do, and that means you'll have better things to say about people, about people who don't like people you like. It's not a good idea. It's an evil idea. You can get it wrong, but I think the robot is an asshole and I think the robot is an idiot. I'm a good person and I love being human and being a good human being and I think that the robot's a good person, so I'll just do it. That was when the first thing I said to a