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I'm really odd and unwell. I understand this and that as a trait of my constant need for any type of love, affection, attention, or idolization.
I think of things that are really messed up, even if they're things that I'd never encourage or would either be afraid or grossed out about if they actually happened.
stalking is one of these things, stalking is gross and wrong and its really understandable why many people would be afraid of it considering how crazy it gets and stalkers are and how in cases it leads to stalkers threatening people, having gross demands about what the person should react like or be like and try to make it happen through violence and threats, finding people no matter where they go or what they do, and just all sorts of messed up gross things
this is probably a gross mental defect due to my illnesses or my forever-lasting need for any type of love or "care" even through toxic or gross dynamics I usually end up with people who are also ill but I have a thing for stalkers sadly.
the thought of someone even liking me enough to find out everything about me, follow me around, become obsessive and jealous about me, secretly take pictures of me to keep, sending me gifts or creepy letters about how deadly obsessed with me they are despite how much of a loser I am, being crazy about me wanting me for their own planning out everything or dates and what I like or even wanting to marry me, watching me as I sleep, wanting me but still being respectful and not forcing sexual things (very rare to happen but yeah), being obsessive about everything about me and how I look and the way I am, I don't understand why I'm like this but to me id really be romanced by that idea.
obviously like I said stalking is wrong and gross in almost every situation but I don't understand why I'm like this and why I like the idea of a toxic dynamic like that. some things would gross me out or outright just make me prefer to die like being forced into sexual situations or gross things, the threatening of people I care about, gross world views like hating queers or feminists and stuff but These are usual standards I have in normal relationships too even in toxic dynamics
I often have a hate for me thinking this way or liking to be in any sort of toxic or gross dynamic and I keep in mind to have normal healthy relationships but I felt like I needed to get this off my chest. i understand if I'm gross and horrible or mental for wanting that
Comments
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qkxml
probs one of the most relatable things ive seen on this site so far
juwirawr
I thought like this too. Or, rather, felt like this too.
I think it's because you want to feel loved and needed. It makes you feel important and worth full, If you are mentally ill, have childhood trauma or are just craving love and physical touch it's likely because of that.
Tho, I can tell you, having a stalker isn't fun. My ex boyfriend stalked me, the first months into the relationship I really liked how obsessive he was. He was hacking my devices to stalk me, on my school ball he was standing behind the windows watching me (he is NOT a student but a grown man). He was always following me and threatening the people I would talk to.
After you realize that you wanted your lover to be a form of self harm and just craved love, it won't be fun anymore. There is no way of getting out. He will NEVER let go. You will be scared and traumatized for the rest of your life because there is a semi ugly mentally crazy dude controlling your whole life. You will regret your thoughts on this forever!!!
I really hope you can find somebody that can love you in a healthy way, and that you can heal with that.
xX_Po1son_Xx
Peter Dunbar. All I'm saying
Gas station
I'd like to answer your question because I've dabbled a bit in some of the things mentioned here (specifically taking pictures, finding where people live and sending letters) but I just don't know what to say.
I mean, you're not in the wrong for what you think but you're not really healthy either.
Ashley Alias
Yeah, I mean I get that. Its just when you're starved for love, there can be something so *nice* about the idea of someone loving you so intensely that they'll do anything to be closer to you. its really... anyways
I mean its not, fuckin.. indicative of a good mental state, but its nothing to hate yrself over. going like 'oh god why do i want that its so wrong im disgusting' isnt gonna do anything but make you feel worse about yourself. Wanting something, especially something (generally considered) bad happening to you isnt gross or wrong. Unhealthy, yea, but its not wrong. Its just really hard to not be loved the way you want to be