fourth post.

I'm finally done with the holidays. Its january 2nd, and I'm happy to be done with everything related to the holidays. This year everything was on my back. I had to cook two dinners for my family, and it i also cleaned my grandmas entire first floor minus the bedrooms. It was so much work. I dont mind doing it either, but damn.

Ive also been in my ouw feelings a little bit recently. About W. I think I actaully do love him, but theres alot wrong with that. One, Im 10 years older than him. Well, 9. Hes in his early 20s, and im in my early 30s. I want to believe him when he says he loves me, but he did betray me twice all at once last fall.

His ex tried to come back into his life, and he was almost willing to take her back and remove me as a friend. Then there was this other pick me ass bitch victoria. Idc about name dropping her cuz she could honestly get her toes shot off for all I care. I hate cunts like her, always stringing around a ton of guys including my crush W. She even bad mouthed me to him and he stood by her. I often think what would have happened had I cut ties with W, but I couldn't at the time. I was too attached to him. But after that all happened I felt a piece of my heart close off to him, and it has never fully opened back up like it was when we first met. 

thats another reason why i wont date W. another NOTHER reason is that he lives almost 2500 miles away from me, probably more. i dont want to date long distance. I also dont feel that Im ready to fully commit to anyone and I feel almost afraid to date anyone right now. Ive just been focusing on my job and personal life. I wanna also loose weight, so Ive been busy just trying to get my life together. 

I never thought id make it passed 18, and here i am at 32. still figuring things out.