I dunno what to do anymore..

  Do you guys think love is real?? I'm not sure anymore. It's either not real or just not meant for me. I'm gonna use my blog as a way to express myself because I can't do that outside of the internet. I should prooobbbabbly get help. Anyway, everytime somebody loves me I end up pushing them away some how. Sure even platonic love exists but I can't stay with just my family and friends forever I need someone to see me and not just me because I always am looking out for other people, making sure they're okay, trying to stop drama, stopping arguments between my parents, sometimes it's all just ugh!!! Life has been alright recently, I dunno dude. I keep getting this anxious feeling, something is wrong with me and I know it. I hate seeing my friends happy with other people and I know it's wrong but I've spent so long trying to get people to like me and I just can't seem to get a grip on reality. For new years, my parents got a bottle of wine and I'm scared if I'm honest. It always starts off as just a glass and suddenly I'm getting kicked out by my drunk mom. I think I have some sort of abandonment problem. Idk, I'm supposed to be happy; this isn't like me. I don't like reaching out i've always been independent because when I do reach out it's "other people have to deal with that too" or I'm fine and i'm doing great crap. All of my friends have problems worse then mine so I don't wanna burden them with it. There's so much I have to say but I can never fully get it out. Anyway i'm gonna fish this up so I can try to sleep (it's 2am and I usually cant sleep till 5am). I have to babysit my cousins tomorrow. I barely have the motivation to open my phone nowadays let alone late care of 2 toddlers. That's all for now, goodnight and remember to keep going no matter what.