I feel like trash

Anytime I try to do something its always so needlessly complicated. My life has been pretty shit so far and instead of being stuck in some shitty factory job until I drop dead with noone around me and having accomplished nothing, I thought I would see about maybe looking at getting a computer science degree at the nearby college here, but turns out they removed that course, and computers or games and tech stuff in general have been the only things I've had consistent actual like/genuine interest for through my life. So only way would get one is through the states uni and the course for that has a bunch of random stuff thrown in on top of extremely stupid costs, and seeing the course requirements alone made me feel like I'm stupid for even bothering. It would be a 40 hour daily drive unless I eat the $10k extra in debt for living on campus, and I would only get through it if I had a group of friends to because I've never done anything alone that didnt make me feel like I was hitting my head on a brick wall repeatedly, but I don't even know what kind of people would go there and if it would be even possible for me to try to make friends at a place like that, having had maybe 20 irl through my whole life so far, and I've moved around alot too. If I didn't then not only would I have debt if I failed likely, knowing how this shitty planet works, but I would also be royally screwed if I decided to stay in because it would be really hard to do that stuff alone, especially without having motivation sometimes, because there wouldn't be anyone to sit next to that night and troubleshoot a problem or show me how something works or to hang out with etc, and I doubt with how school was in high school that the professor would sit there and teach me personally because I'm sure that wouldn't go well trying to teach me something on the harder ends, which is why like 2-3 friends would be a good comfortable group to have, and having friends is also tough because the only thing I've really engaged with in life so far is just games. I dont do anything like sports or tv or movies or anything really other than games, and that is one of my bigger regrets bc its hard to make friends around me when all anyone cares about is stuff like football or something. I just feel like total trash in general and I wanna go back to when I was happier and when all I had to worry about is when the next time my friends would get on a game to play with me was. I'm too fucking squishy and dumb for this shit, and worse is I dont even have alot of time to poke around and find my path in life because only one of my parents cares about me fully and she is getting old and unhealthier by the years, and I dont think anyone else would be willing to keep me around until I find a good path in life, and its all so bad that I just want to give up. Until recently I used to do the whole "i die now" thing as an edgy mood but the last half year and today it's been a genuine consideration now and the more time that passes, the more I feel like just doing it. I used to feel so scared about it but now I just feel so fucking hopeless and terrible with how everything is going that I feel a growing itch each day to just do it. I want a future that isnt going to suck. I want to have friends that at least seem like they care about me being around and talk to me daily for long periods of time instead of the occasional hi, and spends time with me and shows me I'm worth something and wanted. I want to have a future where I can at least not dread waking up each morning and hope that I dont, and instead enjoy a nice career where I walk into my job not feeling like its a waste of my life, and instead is either at least improving others or making progress on the now stagnant and still humanitys progress to a better future, or make something cool that at least hangs around for a little while. I want to feel better again and not always feel like im on the verge of killing myself. I want to do and learn new things without being alone during it and have someone or people by my side to do things with so if anything goes wrong someone can point the issue out and help me fix it. Theres more things I want to be better but i dont know what else to put here. I wish everything would just get better so I can be happy about being alive again instead of either feeling like shit or crying over how everything has been so trashy. Idk what else to put here now so whoever reads this thank you for reading this, and idk what else to put here without adding selfish things or unrealistic things so I shall leave it at that. If you have anything to chat about you can poke me in my messages. Thank you.