2025; what im gonna do this year

quick warning for mentions of my mental health state (it isn't great, tread carefully)

Its been apparent that this year I haven't posted at ALL on this blog, and I do apologize to the 3 people that actively look at my blog but I will be honest I've been depressed. depressed so so hard that I've been in the hospital a lot and I haven't even had the motivation to dress emo since early summer. sure I've listened to the music lots (which by the way is the most important part of being emo and don't try to tell me otherwise) and I always will but its been more sad stuff and honestly as "cringe" as some may say I've related to a lot of the emo music I've listened to closer than what is healthy. NO IM NOT GONNA STOP BEING EMO!!! NEVER!!! buuut I still think its important for me to really think about what I truly connect with in the subculture, and it truly is the community which is the one thing I've been straying away from all year. 

so what does that mean? well first things first one of my goals for this year is to try and be more active in the subculture more and express myself more. considering my transness, it sometimes can feel a bit dysphoric when I dress emo cause some people find it to be feminine. but I wanna prove at least to myself that I can dress how I want to dress without fear of other peoples judgement. or that's at least what I'm aiming to do. I genuinely feel better when I dress the part... though its being in public doing so that scares me. I'm not even typically a socially anxious person, its just when it comes to clothes I fall into the trans male stereotype of always covering myself, even though that's not how I truly wanna dress. a big goal for myself for 2025 2015 is getting over the fear of what others think of me in the sense of how I dress. I genuinely don't have that fear ANYWHERE ELSE IN MY LIFE EXCEPT FOR DRESSING EMO. but at the same time I get self conscious when I feel my hair isn't emo enough... I'm pretty sure its just the clothes part.

I've also been really upset with school cause the first time in awhile I fell behind and that made EVERYTHING harder. so I'm gonna try and really stay focused till summer and then I can slack off I don't care I JUST want school to be over already. if it was summer I wouldn't have to worry about ANYTHING. also, I want it to be summer cause I'm sick of the cold already I cant dress how I wanna when its -30 C!!! (I think it would make it easier if I was more confident in how I dress to get school done. why? I don't know, my brain is weird.) my point is, I'm confident I can pass 11th grade and I'm gonna work hard to achieve it.

I'm sure if I think of something else to talk about ill make another blog post but for now bye bye and HAPPY NEW YEARRR!!!!