Rant (Discussions of Disordered Eating + Weight)

TRIGGER WARNING FOR:

Discussion of Weight and Weight Loss 

Self-Harm

Food and Food Restriction 

Eating Disorders

Went to get my physical today and while everything was mostly normal, the doctor was like very strange about dietary habits, as most doctors are, but I kinda want to rant about it anyway because most doctors are also really condescending. 

I've been overweight like most of my life, not a secret, I live in the standard Black American household and that diet isn't the healthiest on average. But more specifically I used to be obesity class 3 all throughout late elementary and middle school, if you don't know what the hell that is because thankfully you've ever always been a healthy weight or whatever the case, it's quite literally the most extreme end of the measurable obesity scale. So again, I used to be like 170-250 lbs all throughout late elementary through middle school. If you use kilograms that's around 77-113 kg. I know. 

In the summer before I started high school I developed a more restrictive diet and would go days without eating/drinking in an attempt to lose weight. But, because I was so used to eating in a surplus that didn't really work, I was just experiencing a lot of brain fog and forgetfulness as well as increased feelings of depression. Probably more but I didn't learn my lesson and kept going so I don't remember that much. 

In my 9th-10th grade year I developed a habit of purging along with restricting, I would spend hours hunched over the toilet trying to keep myself from throwing up long after I had gotten all of the contents of my stomach and my dental health deteriorated as well. My throat was bruised, my teeth always ached, sometimes I could not keep even small amounts of food down because my body had gotten so used do regurgitating everything I ate. I would work out excessively and push myself on an empty stomach to keep going, one more mile, one more rep, one more hour. Most people don't shit as often as they should but I didn't shit at all. I was constipated as hell and because I wasn't abusing laxatives and completing week long fasts like other people were, I kept telling myself I was different from all of the other people with restrictive disorders because I would stop by my junior year as soon as I reached a normal weight...

The lie detector determined that was a lie. 

While I wasn't "as bad" as other people I still implemented the same practices they did, I scarred my legs probably for life and went out of my way to make time to physically harm myself to distract from eating and from how lonely I felt. I carved someone's name into my thigh, I can't show my legs around anyone other than immediate family without wanted to curl in on myself and die. I used to have to wear gauze and fucking tissue wedged into my pant legs to keep it from bleeding through and some days I could not walk properly because of how much it hurt and how bad I while restricting and cutting. A horrible combination btw, close to like 1 year and some change clean. 

So, today when I went into the doctors, mostly proud of myself despite what I did to get to the point I am now, and I was essentially lectured about my weight and how "it's much better than before but you need to keep working on that" it kind've fucked me up. Yeah, obviously no one found out about what I was doing because I didn't want them to and I still don't in case I plan on doing it again, but to be told that despite everything I did it wasn't enough just broke my brain a little bit.  

She was very adamant about eating only one carb a day and consuming as little sugar as possible. She claimed that in her house she only had water and black coffee, that she had two eggs and a side of protein for breakfast and that she only ate one carb a day and adjusted it according to her meals. She said that granola bars were unhealthy as well as fruit juices and popsicles. She only had melon and berries in her house, a very clean eating woman obviously. 

And she's a doctor so I don't want to question what she's saying too much because I used to be really fucking big, I'm so scared of going back to that, of being ridiculed and discarded and fondled and ignored because of how little people regarded me due to my weight. I still find myself restricting a lot of the time and working out excessively to make sure that I don't go back to that. Other times I will binge on whatever I can find and then physically hold myself back from throwing it all back up. Which really doesn't help when I know that it used to feel so cathartic to almost choke on my own throw up and walk around like a fucking zombie because I was convinced that I was doing something right.  

I won't disclose my current weight for like obvious reasons, and I purposely detailed the downsides to what I did which isn't even as bad as what a lot of experienced , at least physically, because while this is a deeply personal rant that I probably shouldn't even post, it's also somewhat of a warning.

All this to say, I hate the doctor, I hate my body, and I hate how much I over share on the internet. 

If someone reports this because it violates the policy about promoting self-harm or something, then it's whatever. Probably for the best because I might even delete this when I'm feeling less emotionally vulnerable.