*

i am just quite sad about all of it. even though it’s the right thing there is still an ache. i choose not to regret anything in my life because i find it doesn’t do me any good. but there are times i wish i did things just a little bit differently. which makes me feel quite stupid that i didn’t do it right at all. if there even is a right or wrong, i guess. but perhaps even if i did things differently it wouldn’t have made much more of a difference anyway. i think about everyone in my life i’ve lost, through whatever way. i never expect it. i think for me to lose someone willingly, they’d have to do something pretty bad. it is always someone else. perhaps i have a problem with that. i don’t know why i think everything can be fixed. even if it can’t. i’m always jumping to try and find a way. it’s detrimental. and benefits no one. i don’t know. it is so hard to say what i want to say. i feel like nobody ever leaves my brain completely. i am always thinking about you*


*every single person i’ve had a memory with


and it’s exhausting. there’s a lot i want to say but can’t. i love you*. i hold you* close in my heart. i hope you’re* safe. i hope you’re* well. i hope you* grew up okay. i hope you* think of me sometimes. i even if i don’t know you* anymore. even if i won’t know you* for a while. 


there is a lot of life ahead of me. it is my first time living. i try to remind myself. but i am very afraid. i am very very afraid of it all.


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