Heart's Bias: Part 4

TW: Self Harm

Jax swallows hard, taken aback by Honey's authoritative tone. He slowly sits down on the bed, his eyes never leaving hers, waiting for her to start lecturing him. He crosses his arms, trying to maintain some semblance of his made up defiant attitude.. But it's slowly fading as fear quickly rises the hairs on the back of his neck. Honey sighs, coming to sit next to him, the motel bed making a little squeak "... may i hold your arm for a moment..?" Honey gently tugs at his baggy sleeves, looking up at him, trying to keep her voice calm, but firm. He hesitates for a moment, his instincts screaming at him to push her away. But something in her gaze, and something..

something in his heart makes him pause.

His stupid, hopeless crush on her.

 Slowly, he uncrosses his arms and shakily holds out his left arm to her, the sleeve slipping up to reveal the jagged scars on his forearm. "..Happy now?!" He’s totally done for. Expecting to be either the future laughing stock, or in a mental hospital.

Honey carefully holds his arm, her other hand gently brushing across scars on his arms, her eyebrows furrow, her tail and ears drooping as she looks at each slash on his skin, mumbling in french quietly to herself.. "Oh mon Dieu... pauvre bébé chaton..."

He flinches at her touch, his eyes flicking down to watch as she examines his scars. Hearing her speak in French, the words soft and gentle, sends a shiver down his spine. He's used to harsh words and cruel intentions, not... this

"..Stop it-"

"shh... it's okay... I was just worried you weren't tending to these wounds well.." Honey lets go of his arm, reaching for the other to see his Self harm scars, looking worried sick.. "... thankfully, i believe you are.." She looks back down at his arm, keeping her touch light and feathery. Jax pulls his arm back sharply, his heart racing. No one has ever looked at his scars before, let alone even with concern before, usually kids like her would view doing such a thing with only disgust or pity. He doesn't know how to handle her gentle touch and worried expression. He stands up abruptly, putting distance between them. "I'm fine, alright?"

"Shh, STAY.." she raises her voice slightly, firmly suggesting he sit back down. Jax freezes at her raised voice, he gets a feeling that he really shouldn’t test her.. A flicker of fear crosses his face, but it's quickly replaced by confusion and a begrudging fascination. He hesitates for a long moment before slowly sinking back onto the bed, his movements stiff and reluctant.

"... uhm.." she gets off the bed, kneeling on the ground in front of his legs, gently touching his baggy black jeans "On.. here too?"

He tenses as she kneels in front of him, his hands balling into fists on his lap. He glares down at her, daring her to find more scars. He raises his legs slightly to give her better access, his jaw clenched with undeniable tensity, ready to attack the second she hurts him.

She lifts his pant leg up, letting out a little gasp as she sees more of his self made scars... muttering to herself again "Oh... pauvre bébé... tu es tellement blessé..."

His thighs are crisscrossed with thin white lines, some healed over, some still red and angry. He watches her face contort with worry and hears her murmur in French, a language he doesn't understand but can guess the meaning of based on her tone and expression.

"Some are still so recent, Jax... especially here.." She gently brushes her finger across a fresher cut, in shock, yet staying calm. He hisses at the contact, his leg jerking back. His eyes flash with a mix of pain and embarrassment, His tail and ears pointing up. He looks away, unable to meet her gaze. "It's none of your fucking business!" he snaps, his voice rough and defensive, he doesn't truly mean it, expecially towards her ..but he has reason to be frightened.

".. d-does that hurt?" Honey quickly pulls her hand away as if touching his fresh scar burned, she looks up at his eyes, holding her wrist with her other hand. He clenches his jaw, his eyes burning into hers. For a long moment, he says nothing. Then, quietly, "Yeah. It fucking hurts." Not just physically, he adds mentally. It hurts to be seen like this, vulnerable and broken. It hurts for her to know such a dark truth about him.

"... wait here Jax, please." Honey slowly gets up, walking off to the Motel's bathroom, the only thing heard audibly being the sink. He sits there, alone, his heart pounding in his chest. He listens to the sound of running water, his imagination running wild. Is she crying? Is she disgusted? Is she calling the police? The uncertainty is killing him. 

Honey comes back, with a wad of rolled up toilet paper, dampened by warm water, and some soap "It didn't look like that one was tended to.. on your leg.."

Jax stares at the damp toilet paper and soap in her hands, a look of disbelief spreading across his face. He hadn't expected this - tenderness, care. He swallows hard, his throat suddenly tight. "What... what are you doing?" His voice cracks slightly, betraying his inner turmoil. "... just taking care of that small cut you have is all, it's alright, Hun..." She speaks softly, her intentions trying to be maternal, but could also come off many other ways. She gently lifts up his pant leg again, then looks up at him. "I'm just gonna clean it up a little, okay?"

He looks down at her, his eyes searching hers for any sign of disgust or pity. He finds neither, only a soft concern that makes his chest ache. He nods jerkily, giving her permission. He watches as she gently lifts his pant leg, exposing the small, angry cut again.

Honey gently applies the warm soapy balled up toilet-paper onto his cut, gently going around in little circles, she holds his pant leg up with the other hand as she does so. Jax immediately flinches, Accidentally letting out a low growl towards Honey unintentionally. Instead of being afraid, honey gently places a hand on his knee, looking right up at him. “Don't worry..it's just soap and water..i'm helping..okay?”

Jax flinches initially at the contact, but gradually relaxes as Honey's gentle voice sends a strange warmth spreading through his body. He can't remember the last time someone tended to him like this, if ever. His breath catches, not from pain, but from an unfamiliar tenderness. ".. do your parents know..? does anyone at school know you.... do this?" Honey asks, continuing to tend to his Self Harm scars. He tenses immediately, his body stiffening like a board. He stops breathing, waiting for the inevitable lecture or disgust. He can feel her eyes on him, waiting for an answer. He swallows hard, his throat bobbing. "No," he whispers, his voice barely audible. 

"I see...i know you didn't intend on me taking this seriously..but i'm, really ..really grateful that you told me.." Honey puts his pant leg down, reaching to his other leg to see if there's any fresh cuts there. He goes completely still as she checks his other leg, his heart racing. Part of him wants to push her away, to snap that it's none of her business. But he can't. There's something about her gentle touch, her quiet acceptance. 

"Why aren't you... running away?"

"Am I being attacked? bombarded with paparazzi from kids at school? no..." Honey puts his other pant leg down, not spotting any fresh cuts on the other, looking up at Jax with her jewel-like pink eyes. 

"I just, simply don't have a good reason to do that."

Such a simple, matter-of-fact response.

His heart nearly stops at her calm, rational response. He'd become so used to everyone either freaking out, trying to 'fix' him, or judging him that her words catch him completely off guard. "Most people... run,"

"... is that so?" Honey stands up, tossing the wet soggy toilet paper into the trash, looking back at Jax observantly. He watches her intently, waiting for the other shoe to drop. He expects her to suddenly lose her cool, to start asking a million questions, to look at him differently. But she doesn't. She just throws away the toilet paper and looks at him with caring eyes. "You're not….you arent….?" Jax struggles to find the words to say, completely lost.

"... while, yes i believe that what you're doing is wrong... and you shouldn't boast about it like earlier..." Honey sits back down next to him on the bed, looking at his black sleeves and baggy black pants, now knowing what lies underneath. "What's going to make you grow if you're scolded in a harsh manner..?" 

He stares at her, his mind reeling. She's not shouting, she's not crying, she's not threatening to tell someone. She's sitting there calmly, looking at his clothes like she knows the secrets they hide. "You're not going to... lecture me?"

".... no, No of course not.."

 Honey leans back a little, looking at Jax with some concern, her eyes focused on him entirely.. ".. well at least not in a rude way. there's a right and a wrong way to lecture..." 

Slowly, he turns his head to look at her, his eyes wide with disbelief. He's heard lectures before, countless of them. Harsh, condemning, filled with anger and disappointment. But never has anyone offered to lecture him without raising their voice. "The right way?" 

"mhm." Honey stands up in front of him. She breathes softly before looking at him firmly, yet keeping her voice calm  "I don't know how it feels to.. do what you're doing, but nonetheless.. when I'm doing a bad thing, or something I'm not proud of... I just think... what would younger me think... or want..? The little girl, from just 9 years ago.. in elementary.." Honey says, keeping her voice clear and audible. His eyes widen as he listens to her. It's a simple question, but it hits him like a ton of bricks. What would younger Jax think? He remembers being so innocent, so full of hope and dreams. He remembers wanting to be a good person, to make his family proud, despite how hard it was with his parents shitty marriage.

"Maybe you might not remember clearly.. that's alright if you don't, but any child with their mind.. although naive... every kid is unfiltered and honest to the heart... imagine little you seeing you all scared up... don't you want that little boy to have a better life in his future..? " Honey keeps her voice calm, looking at Jax directly as he thinks of what honey is saying, his throat tightening unexpectedly, threatening to overwhelm him. 

He hasn't let himself think about that part of his life in years. The vulnerable child who believed in magic and monsters, who wanted nothing but to make his parents proud. He looks away, unable to meet her gaze any longer. "Stop..."

"shh... shh.." Gently, Honey moves closer, reaching for his hands, and holding them in her palms, her thumbs gently circling over the back of his hands "that little boy... younger you... would want you to be so happy... because you were him... and he's gonna be you... so... wouldn't you want him to be happy..?" His hands tremble slightly in hers. Something inside him cracks open, just a little bit. She's not judging him; she's showing him something else. Something different. Something - better. His voice comes out rough, choked "The things I could tell that little kid..."

"He'd want advice.. guidance... how to be better in his future... and his future is you right now... you should make that little guy proud..." She gently tightens her grip on his hands, her eyes gazing at Jax's face "because i know deep inside.. hes still there.. waiting for you to be nicer to him.. even if it's just a little.."

A tear spills over his cheek, silent and hot. He hasn't cried in front of someone in years. Especially not in front of his BIGGEST CRUSH!

 God he’s such an embarrassment, he cant be crying like this, Not with someone holding his hands and looking at him like they see something worth saving. He swallows hard, his voice barely a whisper as he totally gives in to her invisible truth lasso. "I just... I wanted to be tough, i’im sorry i- everything- i just-"

"...Hey.." She sees him crying a little.. unsure if she should point it out, but she doesn't. Instead, she crouches down a little to hug Jax as he sits on the motel bed, closing her eyes, being gentle, intending on being maternal. "I understand hun... I understand..."

He's stiff at first, unsure of how to react. No one's hugged him like this in... ever. His arms hang limply at his sides for a moment before slowly, hesitantly, wrapping around her. His face heating up and his heart beating at a million miles per hour. He buries his face in her shoulder, sobbing quietly, the dam breaking completely.

(4)

READ THE FIFTH PART HERE!

  IM CRYIG NOOO JAX NOOO OH MY GOD,,,,,,,

this is one of the bette rparts i write juzt because i put my own emotion and like genuine thoughts into stuff honey says or does cuz i kinda see myself in her during this xd

i actually remembered to add the TW this time yay!!!!!!!!!! wondering if implied divorce counts as a trigger warning or smthn idk

this fanfic is getting rlly longgg wtf!!! i bet 1 buck that this'll end at 8 parts ONG!

-Cozmite