It feels like I’ve numbered my last entries wrong, because it feels much longer than four month since I’ve last posted. So much had happened since school started, I’ve been up and down and down and down so much. Right now it’s ok. Im at my grandparents for the holidays, and it’s alright, even though I get so irrationally angry while im here. All the time. But it’s a different house and that means something for something.
My childhood friend, H, invited me and my cousin out to a venue. It was ok, the music wasn’t for me, but it was neat watching big men jump around and thrash and spin like silverback gorillas. I got a headache by the end of it— in which H’s friends started doing karaoke. Lot of different people at that bar, all singing together. Was really nice. We were ready to leave by 12, but one girl who we were driving home was in some ally a block away arguing with her boyfriend. That really freaked H out.
H has grown a lot. Hes much taller than me now, got something of a beard and something of a style of his own. I think he likes taking care of people, and it’s a weird feeling that I don’t know if i want to accept. Since G, my senses of worth, what I deserve, what I should expect have all been muddled and distorted. I’ve had to relearn them, and I was sure that I finally had. But falling asleep in H’s car on the way back home, with foggy windows and my warm jacket back on me— I don’t know if I’m entirely comfortable with the feeling of anything of a brother again. Don’t know if I’ll be able to keep a straight face, or stand right where I am. Im thankful he lives so far away from me. Ive wanted this for so long, and now that im faced with the prospect of it, I wanna wipe it away.
Im fine without G, now, finally— I don’t need another.
Feeling cared about is so uncomfortable.
Comments
Comments disabled.