serious.

im not entirely sure whats snapped within me. maybe its just been all the awfulness of this year pileing up, or its just me being stupid. but whatever.

i have absolutely no hope for the future anymore. im not planning on doing anything, but i dont wanna be alive. 

i dont wanna take care of myself. i just wanna sleep and do nothing. i dont wanna talk to anyone, i dont wanna see any of my phone notifications or texts. ive stopped doing the things i like because i dont care. ive been told by everyone that theres nothing that can be done so im not doing anything at all. i dont know whats gonna fix me and i dont care. ill try anything, but i dont care rn. i dont have a psych until the 8th, and even then idk if thats gonna do anything. im in a major depressive episode and im done with reassuring myself that ill be fine. fuck you, i wanna die right now. thinking about this makes me wanna blow my brains out so im gonna stop it and im just gonna stop thinking about most things in general for a long ass time. 

everyday for the past week ive woken up in a deep depression, then i get a random mood swing and the end of the day. but it all feels fakeish and i still dont wanna do anything. im a nasty mess thats barely taking care of himself.