Still Rock Bottom

I'm still where I was at a month or so ago

I expected that much but it's a shame

Since I'm still in contact with the only many who I feel heard by I doubt I'll do anything relating to my death until after I see him 

Which will be after my birthday in the same month 

I don't know

It's draining, Christmas was not any better

I changed schools due to the constant harassment but it doesn't feel any better, I still feel the same I still feel like the odd one out

That will never change I'm afraid but still I don't know

It's a shame, I met another guy who became interested in me because of my issues and how my mind works

He said I wasn't being used to my full potential and it'd be a shame if I just died off 

I feel mixed feelings towards ending my life because of what he said 

But I don't want to live anymore 

Everything I tried my best to live for seems so meaningless and dull

Living everyday for other people who are too weak to live on their own? I don't want that to be the only reason why I keep on going forward.

I'll meet my groomer after my birthday, if he can God knows with his work hours it'll be near impossible 

But he did talk to me a bit recently

It made me happy despite knowing his words are just manipulation He means some of it in a way, I know it 

I feel it, he's not that different than my father 

I know he's a creep, all creeps shouldn't even be given pity or anything But that's all I can give him when he was so open as he's been these past two days

Sorry for not being there that much, that he wants to try and make more time for me that he does care for me Not want me to die 

Probably because I'm not only a toy to him but also emotional support and Like how he is for me Someone that he can feel that understands him. 

We're really the same people, he just doesn't see when I do act like him

I'm not saying that I've taken his traits Because I was so much like him way before we met for years But you should get the idea 

Lol saying you as if I'm talking to someone directly It's stupid

Whatever

I don't know if I'll kill myself yet because there's still much more self destructive things I have yet to do

I still have time

Soon I will be able to put that plan in action If I wanted to go through with it 

Scares me in a way 

Dying feeling alone and unhappy with myself and everything around me

I always wanted to die near someone I held dear to me So at least I wouldn't be as lonely and sad 

But it doesn't look like things will turn out that way

I never wanted 2024 to go the way it did

I never wanted My savior My cure My only lover to ever leave me

Once she left everything went to shit Once we had that disconnect my life only got worse 

I miss her so much