Merry Christmas

Or happy holidays, if you celebrate something else. This isn't a jolly, merry, happy post at all. Actually, I'm gonna vent a bit. I'd like to think it has a 'happy ending' so to speak, but still.

So today, there's many many people who will end up being alone. Some will have friends, family, lovers, all of the above, some will have none of that. Now, that shouldn't ruin your day... you're not responsible for those people, and other people's struggles don't invalidate your happiness. As a matter of fact, there's lots of horrible people that DESERVE to spend today alone, and likely are. But I'm here to talk a bit about why someone might end up being 'alone' today, and how that can happen, and most importantly, encourage you to reach out to all of your friends today, let them know you love them and care about them if possible.

So, I'm gonna tell you about me, and my life so far. I'll try to keep it condensed and not ramble TOO much but, there's a lot. If you want a TL;DR, scroll to the bottom.

I'm not even sure where to begin, I'm no story teller, but we'll see how this goes. SO... growing up, I was a middle child (Go figure.) I had an older brother and a younger sister. My older brother was (is? I haven't seen him in a while) nice to me. We'd play games a lot and he even got me my ps4, he's cool. My younger sister was an annoying selfish brat who got her way all the time, but she was a dumb lil kid so I can't hold it against her too much. 

Growing up I started to realize around late middle-school that.. there were no pictures of me around the house. There was tons of pictures of my little sister. A few pictures of my big brother, a few of my mother and my sister. But not a single one of me. The wifi was named after my sister, the password had my brother's name in it. Etc etc etc. I didn't care or think much of it back then, but now I wonder, y'know? 

My father was never around. So my mother was with some guy, my sister's father. (none of us had the same dad, mother was never with someone for long. I know why, now.)  The guy she was with was very... scary, honestly. He was always angry, very rude, very pissy, and very violent. He attacked me a couple times, but nothing too serious. He was also like, EXTREMELY racist, homophobic, transphobic, etc etc. When at his worst, he'd blow up at everyone, attack people, yell, etc. I remember one time hearing him say "I could kill all of you with my bare fucking hands" while locked in my room (I locked myself in there, trying to hide. I wasn't locked against my will or anything.) This story isn't about him, but he was a big contributor to a lot of stress for sure. My mother and him would argue constantly. Very very rarely was there a day without yelling and arguing. It was stressful, hearing all of that yelling all the time. Even if they weren't yelling, my mother got angry at me very easily, she'd yell at me for literally anything. One time I folded all the laundry, and she yelled at me for not doing the socks too, I had forgotten. I don't know what struck me to make me speak up but I said "You don't have to yell, I'll just fold them if tell me." And she said "I'm your mother, I'll yell at you because the fucking sky is blue if I want to." If I washed the dishes, and it wasn't spotless, she'd call me in and yell at me and threaten me, instead of just telling me. One of the times she did, she raised one of the plates at me and said "I'll break this fucking plate and shove it down your throat."  ...All of this resulted in me being kind of meek, awkward, etc. I became quiet and reserved, and around anyone else, I was became shy and nervous.  To this day, any loud sounds or even someone just sighing too loudly, or setting down groceries too hard makes me jump, gets me nervous and what-not.

If you don't know this about me, I have very low self esteem. A lot of people do, so it's not surprising, maybe. But even so, it's important to make this part known. I just see myself as a complete idiot. I struggle with any math beyond simple addition and subtraction. I don't really know much about the world (Couldn't even name every state if you asked me to.) I don't know much about science, history, so on and so forth. That alone made me feel self conscious, but my mother would consistently insult my intelligence or lack of it. She'd call me "Retarded" or sometimes say "Re-Re" which was her own way of saying it. Flat out stupid, an idiot, etc. There was always one thing she said, whenever I'd mess up or get something wrong and try to explain myself, I'd say "But I thought X" or "I thought I was supposed to do Y" And every time, as if she was waiting for it, she'd say the same thing without fail.

"Don't think. You're not good at it."

Those words, those fucking words are burned into my brain. For a while I even stopped 'trying' to think, just like she said. I assumed I was wrong about everything. If I ever had a thought about ANYTHING, I immediately shut myself down, thinking 'No, I'm almost definitely wrong.' Even nowadays I often assume I'm wrong about everything before ever checking or seeing if I'm right. 

What I never understood is why my brother and sister were never subjected to this kind of stuff. She treated them how I'd expect a mom to treat her kids. Supportive, loving, firm when she needed to scold them but never insulting or yelling. My brother and little sister would be bought stuff all the time, but never me. She'd get them things when she went to the store or restaurant, but not me. ...I really REALLY don't want to sound like 'I want attention and I want to be the favorite wahhh" but, I just never understood the (what I perceived to be-) bias. Above all of this, I was yelled at and punished when I was caught eating any food without being asked, unless it was food specifically given to me for the express purpose of being "my" food. I wasn't quite 'starved' or malnourished, but she HATED whenever I'd eat food, either of those two. I was only allowed to eat if she said so. Often times not even full meals. I've tried to sneak food at night sometimes because I was just so hungry, and I'd get heavily punished if I got caught. I remember hiding in the kitchen clutching a toaster strudel thing, holding my breath hoping I wouldn't be noticed because someone came into the kitchen as I was trying to get some food. I was horrified I'd get caught and punished.  What really pissed me off is that, if I ever had friends over, she'd constantly be super nice, sweet, and offer food. She'd come to my room and ask how I'm doing, and bring like, cookies, and soda, and shit. Like she was trying to appear like the ideal mom or something.

And then there's the drugs. My mother is addicted, I don't know to what, but it's some kind of drug that has to be injected, she always had needle marks on her arms and legs. I'm autistic and have some pretty bad ADHD. I was supposed to be on medication for this, and I was...but I never took the pills. Because my mother would fill the prescription and then sell those pills to other people. When that wasn't enough, she'd steal things from around the house to sell. Once THAT wasn't enough, she'd steal MY stuff. Not my siblings stuff, of course. Mine. She once stole my ps4 from my room as I was sleeping. That wasn't hers, she didn't buy it for me. My brother got it for me with HIS money. (By now he didn't live with us anymore.) But she needed money for her drugs, so she snuck into my room and stole from me as I slept.  Not just once, either. The second time, it was my 3DS. (I think her stealing my 3DS and me not having one for like 7 years is what made me get this like, obsessive love for it. But let's ignore that lol.)  And the third time, she stole my laptop. A very nice laptop, that my best friend at the time had gotten me for Christmas that year. I drew the line here. 

I ran away shortly after this, and my life was hard for a while as I struggled to find a place to stay, but I would've rather been anywhere than with her. I remember a day or two after that, she texted me a picture of ingredients for a cheesecake (my favorite dessert). Like, was she trying to lure me back? With food?? Like a fucking animal?! WAS I FUCKING ANIMAL TO HER OR SOMETHING? I LEFT A LONG MESSAGE TELLING HER WHY I RAN AWAY AND SHE SENDS ME A PICTURE OF FOOD LIKE IM SO FUCKING WEAK WILLED, LIKE IM SUCH A FATASS OR SOMETHING THAT IM GOING T OFUCKING COME BACK OVER A PICTURE OF FOOD! whatever. I'm getting pissed, sorry. One time, a while after I ran away, she convinced me to come with her to the doctors, she wanted me to go with her so she could get more of my pills. She convinced me because she said she had my laptop back. She'd give it to me if I came to her house after getting the pills. I somehow fell for it. Because of course I did, the fucking moron that I am. Never again. Never a-fucking-gain.

In the coming years I had many problems with friends lying to me, abandoning me, etc. I had lots of romantic issues too. I remember a guy I was into rating me a 4/10. (I don't like rating someone anyway, even if you're rating them 'highly', we shouldn't be rating anyone.) But that destroyed my self confidence in my appearance. There was a woman I fell in love with, the deepest, most fiercest love I'd ever felt, who I came home to one day, witnessing her cheating on me. I had someone dump me just because I was 'boring'. etc etc etc, on and on and on. You get it.

I've trauma dumped for a while now, and I'm sorry. I wanted to just...get it all out. (and from now on, if someone wants to know, I can just send them this instead of babbling at them for an hour and wasting their time.) But the point is, after all of that, I ended up alone, I had no one. I had a few friends, but they couldn't do much to help me.

The situation I'm in now is better. It's not perfect, and I'm still anxious about a lot of things, including my living situation. But, I have a lot of really good friends. VERY good friends I don't deserve. I have a lover who makes me feel attractive and cared for, and I'm absolutely surrounded by loving people. Not long ago, it really felt like I had no one. Now? I feel scared very often, but a lot of the time, I feel like maybe, just maybe, I'll be okay. ...But not everyone has the luck I have when it comes to friends and stuff like that. There are probably other people who are alone right now, who didn't ask to be, don't deserve to be. Hell, you might even be one of those people. Whether you are or aren't. You deserve a good Christmas, or whatever equivalent holiday you might celebrate. If you have any friends you haven't checked on in a bit, please do so. Make them feel love, remind them they're not alone. ...You're not alone either, if you feel like you are, I implore you to come to me. I never want someone to feel that way if they don't deserve it. 

Thank you so much for listening to me. Sorry for all of this rambling. I think it did me good to type it all out. Now then-

TL;DR: My life was very problematic and traumatizing up until now, but I'm doing better. Not everyone is as lucky as I am with this kind of thing, and I hope they have a lovely holiday.

Next blog is gonna be a lot more up-beat, promise! I wanna talk about the old internet, specifically old youtube, and gush about the goofy shit I used to read. Thanks for your time, please, please have a great day. ♥