to clear the air.

people have somehow seen me as something special, i don’t think i am by any stretch. it’s not a lot of them by any means and i don’t mean to be self deprecating, but i just don’t see it. 

people’s egos get in their way of becoming an actual person - i say people like it’s the majority when it’s like a handful of the ones i’ve met - this is my way of getting out with some post relationship energy. the lack of closure is insanity, like extremely maddening, i am shaking out of frustration. i met someone, it went good: until it didn’t.

i meet his friends and grow closer to them, they tell me they thought i was insane from what he tells them and i get a bit weirded out from that, i ignore it, why wouldn’t i? he’s a sweet guy (i think) and we’re cool (we’re not apparently?) and i feel safe i guess. i feel good about it, amazing even.

love is so enveloping and warm and fuzzy, to be loved is like being understood in the most basic sense and being understood is what i’ve so desperately wanted. 

but apparently it’s not shared, not great, not fun and i’m stuck picking up who i am without him. whatever right? no, not whatever, he’s convinced he loves me after emotionally crushing me, sleeping with other women, recounting it for me as well (tf?), lying to me about his relationship with substances. but love is stupid and i’m stupid in love.

and now he’s on me, telling me he loves me, saying he wants a happy future, telling me he won’t let go. but i know why he thinks this, he’s used to looking down on all the people around him, sees himself as a giant among men, somehow though - i’ve been placed on a pedestal, so now i am at eye height with him, yet still mortal, so my feelings don’t matter as much as his, but moderately more than the normal people.

is it worth it to kiss me because you want to remind yourself of the weird ego boost you get by “having me”. somehow i am yours but you aren’t mine. 

anyway, why do i care?