Third wheeling the life out of me

I feel like in a way i'm destined to always be the third wheel, the friend who walks behind the group because there's no space on the sidewalk for the three of us.

I've always been part of three member friend groups but i've never actually felt * part * of them, more like an afterthought. I'm way too aware of the group dynamics and understood from early on that it's not exactly a trio but more like two besties and Steve who sometimes is here and Does Stuff.

First time it happened it was in primary school and when my two friends started hanging out without me it hurt like hell but i took it as part of growing up and growing apart, thinking that at some point i was gonna have a bestie myself in whom i could rely on and stop being the odd one out. Then 10 years go by and i'm still in the same place i was all those years ago.

It's not to say that i don't have friends, obviously i do and i love them with my whole soul and heart, i appreciate them a lot and i wouldn't even be alive if it wasn't for our regular meet ups that make me forget how much i hate waking up alive. But i don't really feel like i'm anybody's best friend, there's always someone else who comes before me and it has been a pattern all along my life. Maybe it's my fault because i'm very closed off and rarely open up enough.

I'm suddendly reminded of this because last night i was with my sister and cousin and saw them having such a good time together that at some point they even forgot i was there and i couldn't help but to remember the many times this has alredy happened.

Half of me is hurt and feels like there's something wrong with me that makes me unloveable, the other half is done with life and thinks that maybe ending up all alone is not a bad idea actually.

I guess it's a good thing that i don't plan on staying here long. When i run out of batteries it's lights out. I'm too tired to keep on pushing for no reason at all.

Maybe in another life i'll be someones' first choice!