facing the truth about my most toxic relationship with my longtime best friend.

friendships are supposed to be supportive and safe-a place where you can be yourself and share your life without fear of judgement. but for years, i  have found myself trapped in a friendship that felt like the opposite of that. its taken me a long time to admit that the way i was treated wasn't okay, and even longer to stop blaming myself for it.

looking back now, i can see the unhealthy patterns, the manipulation, and control she had over me. it wasn't always bad; there were times she seemed like the perfect friend, but those moments were few and far between. the bad times, however, have left lasting scars.

The doubt that controlled me:

one of the hardest things about leaving this friendship has been the constant self-doubt it left me with. every time we argued, i walked away concluding i was the problem. no matter how much my gut screamed at me this situation wasn't all me. i was always apologizing and always questioning myself, and always blaming myself for things i wasn't even sure i had done.

however, when i tried to bring up something that upset me, it turned into an argument, and somehow, by the end of it, i was always the one begging for forgiveness. she called me out for being too sensitive or being immature and i started to believe it. how could i think my best friend nearing a decade would say these things if they weren't true? i stopped trusting my own feelings because every time i expressed the, i was punished- either with silent treatment and ghosting, or having my words and intentions twisted back onto me.

even now i catch myself wondering: was i really selfish? did i manipulate her without realizing it? was i actually asking for too much? these doubts feel like ghosts she left behind, haunting me even after ive done what she wanted and walked away.

the hurtful patterns.

her actions only fueled my self-doubt. when i needed support she often disappeared or dismissed me entirely. ill never forget the time Rory, one of our mutual friend i had introduced her to, called me schizophrenic out of nowhere in my house during a hangout. instead of defending me Maggie agreed with her. i panicked, frantically searching the web on schizophrenia because i thought, what if i really am and i just don't know it? while i was spiraling she and Rory were laughing and ignoring me and queefing for an hour strait, it feels like a cruel joke now. how could anyone that claimed to care about me allow that to happen?

when mu mom was in the er and i needed someone to lean on, Maggie was completely MIA. yet when i finally stopped reaching out to her she began telling others i was the selfish one. its like she wanted me to carry all the blame for the friendship falling apart, even though she had refused to show up time and time again.

the smear campaign

the hardest part of this process has been being told that she's spreading lies about me. she's told people i was manipulative and emotionally immature and selfish. ive even had strangers message me hurtful and odd things, like "get a grip". at first i wondered if she was right. had i really done something wrong? was i truly the toxic one? 

but when i reflect on this friendship, i can see that her words are just another way to control the narrative and avoid accountability. the smear campaign is another way to protect herself from facing the truth: that her behavior hurt me deeply, and i finally chose to stand up for myself. these things could have been contained and taken care of between just her an di but she chose this route of making it semi public on her spam accounts while i stay quiet, blogging off here with a nickname and using fake names to protect anyone involved but still being able to get it out in some way. 

moving forward

trying to let go of this friendship has been one of the hardest trials ive had to endure. its forced me to confront all the Doubs and fears her and others have planted in me, and to finally sit down and analyze: what if I'm not the problem?

I'm learning that its okay to make mistakes in relationships-we all do- but what  matters is how you handle them. toxicity isn't about making mistakes; its about refusing to take responsibility for them, and that's something i never shied away from.

this experience has taught me painful but needed lessons. about setting boundaries, trusting my instincts, and recognizing when a relationship no longer serves me. its not easy to let go, especially when someone has made you feel like you're not enough or too much. but I'm finally realizing that i am enough- and i deserve relationships that reflect that. 

if you're struggling with similar feelings of self-doubt, know this: you are not the problem just because someone says you are. you're allowed to walk away. you are allowed your chose yourself. 

its going to tkae me a long time to move on from this relationship and the unhealthy patterns instillee in me not just by her but the others in her pool. but its okay. ill make it out the other side and dry mysle foff while they all wade in the water of their making. probably made from their own false tears.