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here is an attempt to extract the essence of my life and put it into words:
i wake up.
i confront the immense reluctance born from all the days before this one.
i move through the day minute by minute, action by action, decision by decision, hit by hit.
i prefer to call this 'existence'. it is the bare minimum.
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sometimes i make thoughtful decisions.
i call this 'will'.
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people and things irritate me greatly; thus i repress, store, and dissect the increasing volume of stress.
feelings and introspection form an ouroborus... both abstract and pragmatic questions are asked and answered, such as:
- what choice did anyone/everyone have in this?
- how can i best interact with my father and mother and sister this evening?
- why?
- does it matter?
etcetera...
upon confronting emotional states, i reconstruct a philosophy of suffering
typical conclusions include:
- living in an absurdly manmade world is now a part of the human condition.
- the evolution of a bewildering palette of things, all of which simply persist because they do, namely human nature (behavior and psyche), generational trauma structures, and many ill-informed decisions (from me and those who preceded me) have led me here.
- there are a limited range of actions i can take to improve my condition.
- pain remains regardless.
lost in cascades of cause and effect, my mind drifts to strange places:
vast fantasies and detailed nightmares.
to shut these off i often lose myself in music or internet or any other space of my choosing.
all of these activities, both alone and in net sum, are called 'coping'.
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sometimes i want to do something... sometimes very badly.
i find it foolish to call this motivation, so i call it 'whim'.
(life is hard enough without the alienation of action from intent.)
for me, whims are the majority of existence's sustenance.
if i contemplate long enough, i will begin to form a whim.
if i contemplate consequences long enough, my whims adjust to more rational decisions.
i call the ability to conjure and control whims the "will."
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such is a day in my life. pretty much every day in my life.
12/23/24
p.s. tonight i listen to kikuo miku 4, one of my favorite albums of all time.
Comments
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tops
the last part with whim is magnificient
lol that part reflects my life surprisingly well... there are plenty of things i want to do but the more deliberately i think about them the more inclined i am to do things like study instead of produce music
by francis, fran; ; Report
sado
sounds like u could benefit from going on a hike, any cool national parks in your state?
plenty of cool places to do it locally where i'm at...
i don't have the logistics to go hiking even on a weekend when i'm free. parents wouldn't let me go on my own and i don't have anyone else who would want to take me or go with me.
closest experience i've had recently was walking barefoot down the middle of a manmade river for a few hours. i thoroughly enjoyed the sheer engagement i had with moving forward, staying upright, and stepping on increasingly strange textures.
by francis, fran; ; Report
also lmao the comedy of your comment just hit... i know you're a really cool dude and you were probably being genuine because maybe you've had some really beneficial experience with hiking in the past...
but dude my life isn't even that horrible and you basically told me to go on a hike sobbbb /j
i am guessing that hiking is a grounding experience and you think i need that?
by francis, fran; ; Report
LMAOOOOO i was specifically referring to you saying that it's tough being in a overwhelmingly man made world, so i was saying getting out in nature can be a great way to escape it all. I hike a lot personally and I love it, great way to clear your head. but I see how it can be misconstrued as me basically telling you to touch grass LOL, sorry.
by sado; ; Report
Sprout
You have an interesting way with words,
Keep it up ദ്ദി ˉ͈̀꒳ˉ͈́ )✧
thank you!!
by francis, fran; ; Report