14) day in the life, abstracted

here is an attempt to extract the essence of my life and put it into words:

i wake up.

i confront the immense reluctance born from all the days before this one.

i move through the day minute by minute, action by action, decision by decision, hit by hit.

i prefer to call this 'existence'. it is the bare minimum.

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sometimes i make thoughtful decisions.

i call this 'will'.

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people and things irritate me greatly; thus i repress, store, and dissect the increasing volume of stress.

feelings and introspection form an ouroborus... both abstract and pragmatic questions are asked and answered, such as:

• what choice did anyone/everyone have in this?
  
• how can i best interact with my father and mother and sister this evening?
• why?
  
• does it matter?
  etcetera...

upon confronting emotional states, i reconstruct a philosophy of suffering

typical conclusions include:

• living in an absurdly manmade world is now a part of the human condition.
  
• the evolution of a bewildering palette of things, all of which simply persist because they do, namely human nature (behavior and psyche), generational trauma structures, and many ill-informed decisions (from me and those who preceded me) have led me here.
  
• there are a limited range of actions i can take to improve my condition.
• pain remains regardless.
  

lost in cascades of cause and effect, my mind drifts to strange places:

vast fantasies and detailed nightmares.

to shut these off i often lose myself in music or internet or any other space of my choosing.

all of these activities, both alone and in net sum, are called 'coping'.

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sometimes i want to do something... sometimes very badly.

i find it foolish to call this motivation, so i call it 'whim'.

(life is hard enough without the alienation of action from intent.)

for me, whims are the majority of existence's sustenance.

if i contemplate long enough, i will begin to form a whim.

if i contemplate consequences long enough, my whims adjust to more rational decisions.

i call the ability to conjure and control whims the "will."

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such is a day in my life. pretty much every day in my life.

12/23/24

p.s. tonight i listen to kikuo miku 4, one of my favorite albums of all time.