12/23/2024, 2:49PM

everyday everything is getting further and further away from me. the people i love, the things i love to do, my memories, just everything i care about is getting away from me.

my depression is at its worst right now. i can hardly bring myself to shower when i am caked in grease. water bottles and soda cans are piling up on my desk. ive been wearing the same clothes for a week. i keep forgetting to eat when i need to, and it feels like the only time i eat anything is when dinner is cooked. i feel so sick. i reckon this is why it's called "mental >illness<" because i really do feel like i am ill right now.

i know i will probably make it through like i have many times before, but its so stupid and so hard to deal with in the first place. i dont want to have to make it through this stupid shit. i just want to not be sick. i want to be better.

i wish i could talk to the friends i already have, but as i have been conditioned to do, i stay so far away from people because i am afraid of rejection. i am afraid of being hurt because i was being vulnerable. the only times i really get my sick out of my body is when i'm on this website, writing a vent blog, or in my therapist's office. i never get to talk to anyone that knows who i am, for fear that they will reject me, or hurt me.

my life has really really sucked. there were good and great times, but it feels like all the shitty times outshine them. 

i've done some bad things. i'm gonna defend myself by saying, all of the bad things i've done i did them when i was still just a kid. i did not realize the gravity of the situations i was creating, or that my actions were wrong to begin with. i'm a grown ass man now, i know the things i did were bad, and i've grown from them, and they ultimately made me into a better person. it would've been nice if i hadn't done them at all, but here we are. i can't change the past, no matter how much i want to.

i've done bad things, as a child. once, a couple years ago, some of my past actions got outted, and my ex found out. i was freaking out really bad, because we had only just started a relationship, and i didn't want it all to be ruined over some awful mistakes i made before i had developed a conscience. so, i went to my mom, as she was an adult who had wisdom to bestow unto me. or so i believed, anyway. i told her what happened, about how i'd done bad things before, and how my ex had found out about it. i felt so horrible, i was crying so hard. my face was dripping with tears and snot for about an hour, or so.

she acted supportive. like she understood. like she would help me.

she gave me a blunt, because i was a major weed-smoker when i lived with her. it wasn't good for me, and i advise anyone reading this to smoke responsibly. keep hydrated.

after a while, me and my ex talked about it, and then they accepted me. my mom didn't help all that much, it was just eventually i came to terms with the fact that my ex was probably going to leave me.

then, about a week after this happens, my moms boyfriend gets outted as a pedophile. insane shit, but my mom found some pictures on his phone, and it was really bad. and this guy is like, forty fucking years old. 

so, i am living with my mom when this happens, and i do not want to be at that house anymore, because at the time i was 17, and im the oldest child, so the siblings living there were also way underaged, so i did not feel like that was a safe place for any of us to be. my mom and i got into an argument about her boyfriend, because at first she was like "ok. this guy has to go." but then she eventually just stopped caring. and we were shouting at each other about it, and then she was defending him, by saying "well, that mistake you made as a child is worse than what he did."

i was 9 years old when i did that. he is 41. it became very, very clear to me then that my mother was an awful person, and i wanted nothing to do with her ever again. i packed all my shit, and i left a few days later. but, that moment instilled into me the fear of opening up to others, lest they weaponize my pain. like my mom did. to defend her pedophile boyfriend. eugh.

so, not all of my loneliness is the blame of my ex. it is also the blame of my mom, and my grandma, and my groomer, and probably many more people i can't remember right now.

and, i know. it is also my own fault i'm like this. only i can get myself out, but i feel so weak. my willpower isn't strong enough, because i've just been worn down for so long, and the nook i created for myself feels too comfortable to leave. but i fucking hate this nook i'm in, because i am alone.

word of advice. open up to your friends. i promise they won't reject you, or hurt you the way i've lead myself to believe. they are your friends for a reason. a shared sorrow is half a sorrow, and i wish i could take these words to heart. but sadly, that takes a long time to learn, so all i can offer is wisdom.

do not shut others out. it will get worse if you don't release the sick. try opening up to someone, at least once or twice. starting this blog has definitely helped me to realize some things, and also to get the sick out of me. it isn't good to keep all the hurt trapped inside, because it festers, and it turns you into a freak like me. isolated.

please, just love others. it is inherently good for you, as a person. that's all i have to say right now.