12/22/24 Love and Astrology

Cristina’s astrology app thing said you can love more than one person the other day. Funny. I talked about my feelings with her, she’s my best friend. She’s my therapist too haha. My zodiac app thing was also eerie and relevant. Probably just the phones listening to our every move collecting all the data and spewing out what we want to hear. In a way though it’s still truth in the algorithm. A mirror reflecting our image. I developed sappy feelings for someone like an idiot and wanted to take them to spirit house for bar snacks and cute cocktails and then to my favorite view in Chinatown where I reflect still sometimes. Found it when I was homeless. I should go again some time soon. Clear my head and reflect. I can’t get them out of my head, and I used dating apps thinking maybe I was delusional and I’d move on but I don’t think I can so I’m resigned to letting go. None of them are her and never will be. I hear a song, the lyrics remind me of her. I watch a movie, and I think of her. I dream of holding her hand. There’s no way she doesn’t do the same? Maybe that’s true. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Cris is happy with her girlfriend so I’m really happy for her. I wish my situation was simpler. Maybe I’m writing this hoping she’s as insane as I am or crazy as I am about her and she finally cries in my arms like I know she needs to and I’d be happy to hold her then. I’d stay in this godforsaken shit stain of a country for her. Maybe this confession just exorcises these feelings from my heart. Maybe it leads to nothing. She said my cat looks like her dead one, and we had the same St. Benedict medal. Fuck, I can’t believe I’m saying this but I think I love her. Maybe she hates me and is disgusted by me. Maybe that’s proof I should leave this place. I didn’t expect any of this.

Something about the sleep of cats brings me a deep sense of peace. Their ultimate zen state is contagious. I will never know the bliss of being a loved cat, and sleeping, with no care in the world.