A few words on depression & how I see myself in BoJack Horseman.

Hello guys, today I'd like to talk about an important issue that I know many of you struggle with too. Depression.

Often we forget that depression is just like asthma or epilepsy - a chronic illness, and so are most of the mental conditions. I personally had my life stolen by depression, anxiety, a personality disorder, along with episodes of hypochondriasis and bulimia. What you might also not realise is something I mentioned in my previous blog and bulletins - that technically, my anxiety may actually give me a terminal PHYSICAL illness, however absurd that sound. I mentioned being on antipsychotics, which can - and given how I react to sugar, probably will - give me diabetes. So, mental health is not something to take lightly. I'm slowly dying everyday just so that I can feel a little bit better than I feel without medication.

Depression isn't just sadness. It is different for everyone, but it can also cause feelings of emptiness, hopelessness, anxiety, anger and frustration, or even kill you - in multiple ways. We're not only talking the obvious way here: depression causes addiction, which can lead to lethal overdose, it often requires medication, which can cause lethal side effects rarely and mess with your physical health which can kill you if not managed. Depression can lead to unhealthy behaviours such as not eating, which obviously, can kill you, and so the other way around when it gets you to overeat, it might give you obesity, diabetes, heart disease or even an increased risk of cancer. 

Depression makes you feel like you're living your life on autopilot, like you're not actually living, just surviving. For me, the most devastating feeling was always when I would lose my interest in everything. It's like seeing the whole world in grey. No matter how hard you try, nothing brings you joy anymore, everything is just so incredibly boring and nothing can entertain you. It's not about feeling sad, it's about not feeling anything at all. Not being able to experience any kind of pleasure. It may be different for you, but I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.

Sometimes depression can make you wish you experienced pain just so that it would take your mind off the depression. Sometimes I hope for my antipsychotics, and I realise how horribly unhealthy that is, to actually give me diabetes so that I can focus on a different form of pain instead of this eternal torment of emptiness. Sometimes when you are depressed being physically ill actually seems like a form of kindness, whether it's instead of the depression or just taking your mind off it.

And here's how I relate to BoJack Horseman: you can have a possibly successful life and still suffer. You can be famous, rich, have a partner, a loving family, your dream job, your dream major etc., and it still doesn't fully go away. Sometimes it lingers in the corners and seems like not such a big deal but still comes out at the most random times reminding you you don't matter, nothing matters, and that you probably cannot even be happy. And trust me on this, this is worse than regular sadness. Regular sadness usually has a clear reason, like someone close passing, a break-up, or even getting a bad grade at school. But depression can often have no clear cause. In some people it isn't even caused by a major life event, it can literally happen to anyone and make them seem like a complete douchebag because they decide to push away everyone to not burden them.

You just go through everyday, technically functioning like everyone else, but inside you there is a turmoil of extreme, often confusing feelings or just nothing at all. You may not be able to get out of bed, you may miss out on sleep, or sleep too much. This little monster can make you lose your job, your friends, the love of your life... This sneaky disease destroys lives, and sadly, it's extremely common. 

I've actually been thinking of making a form of an interactive page as a vent based on the BoJack Horseman intro. Except it's me and the places I go everywhere in the background. It still shocks me how the intro itself, not to mention the thoughts and hopelessness of BoJack feel like the whole essence of depression. It is truly surprising how one of the best representations of depression on TV is in a show about a talking horse. But it's often a case with adult cartoons to be honest, which I also explained here. Really, I wonder how such "serious" live action shows often fail miserably to represent issues that are represented in mature cartoons, but who am I too judge? I don't really watch live action that much.

This post might be extended sometime, because it really is a huge topic, yet if you read it till here, I appreciate it. It means you want to educate yourself about this issue that definitely needs to be addressed as it's such a common problem and you probably know a lot of people who struggle with this devastating disease. 

You can share your experience in the comments as well! I can't promise I'll read all of them, because some might have me triggered, but I really appreciate when people speak up about issues like these. <3