reflectiong on friendship,mistakes, and growth pt 3

the past few months have left me reflecting deeply on the friendship that's been so pivotal in my life. as i continue to process everything, i find myself tangled between the pain of betrayal and the lessons I'm still trying to learn from it. what stared as an unexpected shift has turned into a complex web or hurt, feelings, accusations, and emotional turmoil. this is no longer just about the loss of trust (not that much existed before this fallout).- its about untangling the threads of truth and figuring out where things went wrong.

ive been struggling to understand why things have turned out the way they have. i always believed that we could navigate the bumps in our friendship, but its harder now to see it that way. ive tried to contact Maggie countless times, reached out through every possible method i can think of. ( i learned on her end that this feels crazy and delusional and stalkerish...) but every attempt has been met with silence. its as though she's gone quiet, leaving me in the dark, questioning myself, questioning what i did wring and what i could've done differently 

ive considered checker her public profiles (i did this in the beginning but not as of late)- anything that might give me a glimpse into how she's feeling. i tell myself its just to see if she's okay, know what she's going through, but deep down, I'm hoping ill find something that helps me piece together why this feels so wring

i wont like: part of me is desperate for clarity. for the chance to know whats been said about me when i haven't been there to defend myself. ive hard whispers of things-and i want to know what she's said about me-untrue things. the fear of being misinterpreted, or having my character questioned is unbearable, and as much as i tell myself that i don't need closure, i cant help but feel the urge to look for some piece of evidence that'll allow me to say " that's not true, and i don't deserve that." the fear of being wrongly blamed is haunting me. i don't want to feel like I'm losing everything, including my sense of identity.

i cant esca[re the reality that my attempts to reach out have been futile. I'm still wondering if she's been thinking about me the way ive been thinking about her. the irony is that in the midst of all the hurt, i still want to make things right. but I'm starting to realize that maybe, just maybe, its not all on me to fix. its not my responsibility to carry this friendship if I'm the only one willing to try. i have to start asking myself: if she's truly gone, what does that say about the value of the friendship?

her actions have left me questioning not just our relationship but myself. ive been told things by others- about how she's been acting, the things she's said about me. and its hard to hear, especially when it doesn't align with the person i thought i knew. i want so badly to believe in the best of her, to excuse her actions because i know what she's been through. but there is only so much i can take before i have to accept that she is making choices i cant control. if she's going around spreading things that aren't rue, i cant just sit back and let it define me.

whats even harder is the realization that she may have accused me of things she might be doing herself. the hardest pill to swallow-when the person you cared for twists the truth and points the finger at you. i never want it to be this way. i never wanted to feel like i was the one at fault for everything. i tried to be patient. i tried to listen, but every attempt to reach out has in been met with rejection or silence. and yet here i am, still stuck in this cycle, wanting to fix something that may not even be mine to fix.

even with all the hurt, i still hold onto good memories- the tattoos we got together, the bind we shared, and the belief that things could somehow be repaired. but its starting to sink in maybe tis is something beyond repair. maybe ive outgrown this version of the friendship, even if part of me still wishes it could return to what it was. i never wanted things to end this way. i never imagine this would be the story of how our friendship would end.

but i cant help  going back to the past, revesting the same wounds. ive reached a point where i need to prioritize my own healing. i need to let go of the idea that i can fix everything. and accept that some things cant be undone. I'm learning to trust myself again, to trust that i did my best even if it was enough. the hardest part of all of those is accepting that sometimes, the people we hold most dear are the ones who let us down, and we have to find a way to move forward without them.

i don't knows whats next, but I'm starting to find peace in knowing i did everything i could. I'm starting to embrace the lessons ive learned along the way and take responsibility for my part of this journey, no matter how difficult. ill continue to grow, and ill continue to heal. and maybe, just maybe, ill find the strength to move on.