reflecting on friendship,mistakes,and growth pt.2

losing a close friend can feel like losing a part of yourself, and when it happend unexpectantly, its even harder to understand. over the last few months, ive been struggling with the breakdown of my clossest friendship with maggie. for context, mags and i shared a close bond for a long time. but recently things changed in a way that i couldve predictied but ignored.

when maggie moced, i knew things would be different. the distance, both physical snd emotional, made it harder to stay in touch. but i kept reaching out, over and over again, trying to maintain the connection. sometimes i felt like i was just throwing words into an abyss. there were moments i would hear nothing at all for days, and other times, her responses would be so short. i tried to stay patient, but it was difficult to keep pushing forward when i felt like i was carring the weight all alone. 

then it came to the point, after our fallout, maggie began saying things about me that werent true. she told people everything was my fault and i was shutting her out when in reality i was doing everyhting i could to stay in contact. every attempt i made felt more like a rejection, and the more i tried to explain myself, the further shed pull away. i couldnt understand it. was she really that angry with me? was she shutting me out because of things i had no clue about? or was she just going through someting so deeply personal that she couldnt even see how i was hurting too?

it hurt even more when i heard from others that she had been saying awful things behind my back. after highschool, i never thought id be the type of person to be dragged into this type of thing, but here i was, trying to figure out how things had gone so wrong. i felt like i was losung her from the iside out. the messages i sent, the calls i made- none of it seemed to make a difference. and the more i heard her talking to others about me, the more i felt like i was losing sense of who i was in this relationship and in general. 

in addition to all of that, the distance between us wasnt just physical- it felt like an emotional void that grew with every unanswred message. i started questioning if Maggie truly cared about our friendship at all. there were days she would seem like she was opening up, being vulnerable, but other days, it was like talking to a stranger. it became very hard to tell where i stood with her, and every time i thought i had it figured out, i was left with more questions.

then things started escalating. she had deleted me off her stuff of course and what i hadnt mentioned in the last post was how that was a staple move from me over the years when she would upset me. it was something she told hurt her really bad and i promised id never do it to her again. and there she went and did it to me. to be honest, it felt like a punch to the gut. it felt like the final straw, and i didnt know what to do. it wasn't just the deletion, but the fact she had been saying things about me and my character that weren't true. she talked to others about our friendship while i stayed quiet, twisting the narrative in ways that made me sound like your textbook mean girl. and i was powerless to fix any of it. i didnt even know where to start or what i had done to deserve being treated that way.

i felt betrayed, i couldn't help but wonder if there was something i had done, missed, or overlooked? why again maggie was pulling away after everything we've been through. i have tried so many times to reach out, but nothing seemed to get through to her. i wanted to be there for her, to understand her struggles, but she shut me out at every turn.

the truth is, i still don't have all the answers. I'm still trying to figure out what went wrong or what i did or if she was dealing with things i cant understand. all i know is thus situation has been so much more painful that i could've ever imagined. i just wanted to reach out and help, but every time i tried it seemed to give her more ammo to make me look crazy.