reflecting on friendship,mistakes,and growth

ive spent a lot of time over the past few months reflecting on my relationships, especially my friendships. there's been a lot of emotional turmoil, miscommunication, and painful realizations. and as i try to make sense of it all, I'm learning more about myself than i ever thought i would.

one of the people ive held closest to me has been pulling away. i noticed signs that something wasn't right, but i didn't fully understand it. we've been through ups and downs, but this time has felt different. she's been struggling with personal issues, and i tried to help, but i cant help but feel like i made things worse.

the last time we talked ,she was drunk, and at this point i had gotten really worried. she fell down the stairs, kept repeating herself, and was barely coherent. she ended the conversation abruptly saying she had to go to bed. and when she texted me later, it seemed like she was avoiding me. i tried to reach out but she just shut me down, saying she was sick. ive known her long enough (8 years) to know when she's just being avoidant, but i didn't want to push too hard.

things only got more confusing. she deleted me from social media, and i ended up blocking her back on some places, because i didn't know what else to do. the tension between us got even more palpable when i learned she was texting a friend i had for a short time who was truly terrible and abusive towards me, telling her we weren't friends anymore and she couldn't handle me. that friend then told her that she had been scared to reach out because she didn't know where she stood with people we knew. 

i felt blindsided. in all the years we were friends, she had never done anything like this. it hurt, because i had been there for her ups and downs. i tried to be supportive, but I'm still trying to understand what went so very terribly wrong. i know I'm not and wasn't perfect, but i truly didn't mean to hurt her. 

this isn't easy. ive been running through the past six months of our friendship, questioning every infraction, every decision i made ,and wondering if there was something i could have done differently. i don't want to overanalyze, but its hard not to when someone you love seems to be slipping away.

the situation with the other girl, we'll call her Rory, made things even more complicated. Rory always left me with more questions than answers and i feel like I'm in the same exact spot with Maggie. (again fake name). i don't know whats real anymore. i don't know if I'm the one who messed up, or if she's just in a really bad place that's causing her to push everyone away.

its hard not to take things personally. ive been second guessing myself, wondering if I'm truly the problem. if i made a mistake, I want to own it. but the more i think about it, the more i realize that i cant change everything. people grow apart sometimes and as much as i want to fix it, i cant do it alone.

at the same time, i cant shake the fear that somethings really wrong with her. she's been shutting me out including her parents. and i cant help but worry about her self-destructive behavior. i don't want to see her spiral (looks like i wont based on the blocking.), but it feels like I'm powerless to help when she just pushes me away.

i don't know if Maggie will come around, but i have to find a way to let it go and let go of the need to control the situation. ive done what i could, and ive been honest about how i feel. if she's not ready to meet me halfway, i have to respect that. but it still doesn't make it any easier. 

and even though im hurt i cant ignore the role ive played in this. my own mistakes, my own insecurities,and the way ive reacted out of fear- those things matter too. we all have a responsibiity to ourselves and to the people we care about. the most important thing now is to learn from this,to grow, and to take ownerships of my actions.

in the end, i just want peace. i want to know i did my best, even if the outcome wasnt what i hoped for. and i want to be able to move forward, whether that means healing with maggie or find my own clousure and allowing myself to grow without her in my life.

its a prosceess and im doing the best that i can one step at a time.