growing up

and seeing my mother, all i think about is her standing in the kitchen looking at her phone. messaging people or emailing. my mum has a habit of leaving her phone everywhere and anywhere, or leaving that old computer open when she used to use it. so i would occasionally glare over at it when walking around the house. when i was younger, like pre covid, i would see her emails. pretty much all of them were complaints to companies. she would spend hours and hours on those emails instead of taking care of us or the house she always complained was so messy. “i have 4 disabled children!” was something i saw a lot too.

i get having 4 kids sucks and companies suck even harder but spending all day complaining about it to a company that ultimately doesn’t really care over taking care of your kids is uh… something.

but she slowly moved from emailing on that computer to her phone.

when i would look at her phone over the years, it became more depressing. i remember seeing messages between my mum and dad on the computer as a 9/8 year old. they were joking and laughing over text. now, every text i see is… numb. if theres jokes, its layered in pettiness about the world or their lives. other ones are just texting each other saying their leaving the house or bringing a kid home etc. then theres full paragraph arguments, complaining about so-and-so company/school/etc being annoying and sending complaints.

which was why when i saw the messages between my dad and that woman, i knew something was wrong because well not only was my dad genuinely saying shit about how he straight up doesnt wanna see my mum. they were too friendly. and it shocked me, i guess.

i dont think my parents will ever understand each other.

theres a part of me that thinks maybe when im 18 and i get to say everything i want and leave, my dad will see how detrimental my mum has been to me and finally step up and do whats right. but the more realistic part of me thinks not. sure, im his first born child. he really genuinely cares about me and says sorry when hes made mistakes, etc. but… its not happening. im accepting that if im going ahead and cutting my mother out of my life, im probably never gonna see certain family members again.

and seeing how my dad treated his brother who cut himself off from the family, ohh baby. oh, have i gone into this before? basically my dad has two siblings, an older sister and an even older brother. i was always told by my dad that he was a dickhead and that he “felt he was better than everyone else and left”. i even asked one time why he wasnt telling me his name and my dad said “well dickhead is all you really need to know about him”

wasnt until this year that my dad told me the reason why he left. to keep it short, my grandma got pregnant at 16 with a man who offed himself not long after. then she met my grandpa and they had two other kids together. for some reason, they never told him that he wasnt biologically related to half his family until he was in his 30s. and it was after the only close family member he knew died. so yea, he left like when i was 2 or something. my grandparents still believe theyre right for doing that.

and during hells week, i realised i was going to do the same thing. i dont think it was JUST the whole family thing that was the reason he left. seeing how my grandparents love to shove bad stuff under the rug, he probably saw everything that happened that i havent been told by my dad and couldnt handle just taking it to his grave. but who knows, i dont even know what he looks like.

one last thing i wanted to mention was that yesterday i was scrolling through my mums facebook profile for whatever reason and oof. that thing is a GOLD MINE. first of all, she shared an instagram post (WHICH GOT TAKEN DOWN) called “fucktose intolerant” and it was a girl saying “i have fucktose intolerance. its a condition where i do not give af what other people think” like bro 😭

but the most amazing one was this.

censored ofc, the black bar next to the xox is her @ing my dad.

let me tell you. i CACKLED. seriously i fucking laughed so incredibly hard omfg. yea so i dont think it needs to be said that if you view your marriage as a “torture you are comfortable with” then its probably very bad!

but you know what makes it worse? zoom in to the bottom of the quote.

JERRY FUCKING SEINFELD. ohh my fucking god. if i wasnt laughing then i sure was now. yea jerry? whats the torture, grooming a 17 year old? the “woke left” calling you a pedo? the fact you made the bee movie?

Published by ech0gek0

growing up

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