addiction to self sabotage.

spent a good 85% of my day on youtube.

i have a fucking commission to finish.

i have no fucking clue how to get OUTTA HERE.

i can't pry myself away.

 i have no life to live, so it's just so easy to get sucked into other people's lives. it's so easy for me to watch videos of people starting their webcomics while mine remains an idea. it's so easy to watch videos of  people making the types of art that i want to make instead of making it myself. WHYYYY IS IT SO EASY?

AND IT'S SO FUCKING BORING.

SO WHY DO I KEEP DOING IT ANYWAYS.

i like to learn about the artistic processes of others, but i have taken in so much information about other people's artistic process that i genuinely have no idea how to draw like ME anymore. everything i draw doesn't feel like me. and i'm not having fun because of that. everything i draw feels so WRONG. i look at my art and it's not fulfilling or satisfying because 9 times outta 10 i'm thinkin about how someone else would do it or why it doesn't look like someone else's art. it's torture. everything is torture. the internet is everywhere. i can't escape it. i spend my life on the internet looking at whatever everyone else's tragedies and accomplishments while i do nothing. i feel nothing. i just wanna throw it all away. but i can't. i don't understand why i can't. why can't i just stop watching youtube. half the time i'm just looking for something to watch because everything is so BORING now. i'm so bored of it, so why do i keep coming back?

i know the answer.

because it's easy.

and everything i want to do is too hard.

that's all it is.

i keep coming to this conclusion but still nothing has changed. 

seriously, what do i do?

i'm so bored of my life. i hate being me and i hate living. of course i wanna live through strangers online. there's nothing about my life that makes me wanna live in it.

so i don't.

i just.

fuck around.

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

GOD. 

i wish i could wake up in the body of some artist who has never touched a phone ever in their life and draws whatever they want without a care in the world.